Falling in Reverse
by munchkinjenny05
Summary: AU- Mona is no stranger to secrets, cruelty or manipulation, but she isn't usually on the receiving end. She knows she should care that Hanna sends her spinning backwards, so why doesn't she? And more importantly why does Spencer? Mona/Hanna, Mona/Spencer
1. Chapter 1

**This is the first chapter of a short multi-chapter story I have devised. It was intended to be a oneshot but I think this is easier to break into the appropriate pairings this way. This first part is all Hanna/Mona angst leading on to eventual Mona/Spencer inspired by the cute scene in 216.**

**I couldn't resist, especially in the early days, Mona was giving me major vibes that she had a crush on her friend lol. Okay, so Hanna is kind of out of character and channelling her inner Alison, but she has her reasons. **

**Only my second story in this fandom so feedback is love, let me know what you think.**

"_Do you remember that time you threw up on the trampoline? You did that back flip and you barfed as you went over. Well, the thing I remember was your dismount. You knew everybody was staring at you, you got to the edge, climbed down and looked at us. You wiped your mouth and then you took a bow. I was in awe. It was like, this incredible life lesson. That's when I knew I wanted to be your friend."_

"_Do you know when I knew, Mona? It was the first time I saw you cry. I saw it in you; you were like me, the only other person who understood…." _

I shook my head. I needed to stop thinking about that day in the dying hours of summer break. It was torture. Numerous messages unanswered and missed calls ignored. It was my fault. I should have left it at harmless reminiscing; instead I had to reach out, triggering this epic emotional tug of war and unravelling me so utterly. I should have kept my hand still and let that strand of feather soft hair stay where it fell. Hanna had been subdued all afternoon. I wanted to help, remind her of how things used to be, what we could get back to, that was all, but I went too far. I showed my cards. The crush I had on my best friend should have stayed a secret. I ruined it. I said things, spilled my secrets like word vomit all over the carpet. That alone would have been bad enough, but to kiss her, what was I thinking? I'd crossed a line.

Day and night I replayed the scene, over and over in my head. Lying awake I agonised over every missed opportunity for an out. I should have fled, bit my lip, done anything but what I did. Hanna's silence spoke volumes. We weren't friends anymore. I couldn't blame her, I was lucky enough to have her before, who would want to be friends with a freak like me? The start of the school year was playing heavily on my mind as I lay awake. One way or another I was bound to run into Hanna tomorrow and I was simultaneously dismayed and excited at the prospect.

What I didn't predict correctly for all my late night scrutinising of the scenario, was bizarrely my own reaction when finally faced with my best friend.

"Hey, Han." I managed to keep my voice breezy and light. It sounded casual, I appeared nonchalant. To the untrained eye, everything was fine, just two friends catching up in the hallway between classes. I honestly scared myself a little at how well I was able to mask the turmoil inside.

"Mona, hi, sorry I've been kind of AWOL, you know what it's like." She sounded sincere, if vague. I smiled. I allowed myself to indulge the idea that maybe was just stupid, freaking out over nothing. I hadn't done anything wrong, she didn't regret what happened. After all, her friend Emily was gay, maybe she didn't care. It was possible that everything could be alright.

"Sure, I understand, I thought maybe you were avoiding me after…well, you know…."

"Stop worrying; we had a lot of fun this summer, didn't we." Her voice had become a low, conspiratorial whisper. The sound made my stomach clench. Her voice had never sounded more seductive, she must have known it. Was she toying with me then, or had she really enjoyed it? She had kissed back a little, I hadn't imagined that. I tried not to blush or avert my eyes, that was weakness and I couldn't give her the upper hand. I had to be stronger. If it wasn't a big deal to her then it wasn't to me either. It couldn't be too hard; I'd dealt with it thus far.

I adopted my own sultry tones, playing her at her own game although my hands were shaking. "Yeah, some of it was even legal." I replied, hoping that I sounded more convincing that I felt. Hanna's smirk was unreadable, I had no way of knowing if she bought my charade or saw right through it. I could never decode her. It was those eyes.

"I'll see you around, okay?" Just like that she was gone. Her intonation made it sound like a question, as though it was my choice, but it wasn't. That was the torment. Hanna was firmly in control and she knew it. She walked away leaving me as clueless as ever.

I tried to keep up appearances for the rest of the day, but a quick glance of Hanna's blonde hair advancing was enough to make me crumble. During the lunch period, I snapped. I walked over to her table, trying to keep the edge of desperation out of my voice as I spoke. "Can we talk?" It was a simple question, but she eyed me quizzically. I floundered. "Please." I hated myself for that one tiny word. It worked though; she followed me to the bathroom, a few steps behind. "I'm going crazy; we need to talk about what happened at my house the other day." I blurted out quickly before she could further disarm me.

"Do you like my dress?" The question was a bolt out of the blue and I stared at her, bewildered.

"Uh, yeah, it's great, but did you hear what I said?"

"Sure, but there isn't really much to talk about, I'm assuming you said everything and I have nothing to add, so I was wondering if this outfit had your seal of approval." She paused, spinning to check the mirror. "This sounds totally gay, but if I saw you struttin' it in that dress and kickin' up those heels, I would think about doing you." I cringed as she mocked me. "Do you remember when you said that? You aren't as subtle as you think you are Mona, I've always known. It's flattering but it doesn't have to be a big deal." I blushed, my gaze fixed on the floor.

"It doesn't?"

"Of course not. I meant what I said earlier, it was fun." She walked towards me, her body inches away from mine. "You can do it again if you want." I stopped breathing.

"What?" I spluttered. My throat was suddenly on fire. I edged nearer the sink, gripping the porcelain edges until my knuckles whitened.

"Kiss me. But, Mona, there's just one rule, it stops when I say it's over and it goes without saying that this is our secret." I nodded dumbly, incapable of speech. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My best friend, a girl no less, was offering me a no-strings hook up. I kept telling myself that this was Hanna Marin in front of me, the girl who hadn't even slept with her previous boyfriend, this couldn't be real. She didn't do things like this.

"Are you gay?" I muttered softly, searching for motives and answers to the millions of questions flooding my consciousness.

"Does it matter?" That was all she said in response. "Just kiss me already." She added impatiently. I know I shouldn't have given in to her outrageous demand, but I did. I didn't stop until the bell rang. Then, I broke away, breathless, my nerves shredded as I escaped.

I would like to say that it didn't happen again, that I didn't allow myself to be used, but that would be a lie. I was a willing pawn. I would've done anything Hanna asked of me. I probably would have agreed to run through the building naked if her whims demanded it. I was shameless. I didn't even mind. If I showed the slightest indication of pulling away, she drew me in. It was manipulation of the highest order but each time I kidded myself into believing that every kiss got us closer and soon she would feel the same. Nobody had ever looked at me with the hunger that she possessed. She wanted me and lust was a step closer to love, wasn't it? I hoped so. I'd become her shadow, but at least I got to bask in the reflected glow. When her lips were on mine, there was nothing else.

I lived and breathed by our secret rendezvous. Sometimes days would pass but I'd always wait because it wasn't over until Hanna confirmed it. I almost pitied people who crossed my path during my days of withdrawal. I was a bitch. My confusion and frustration bubbled over when I didn't have Hanna as a distraction, and I lost my temper over the smallest things. I didn't enquire what the blonde did whenever we weren't together; she only teased me if I tried. Yet another reminder that this whole arrangement was on her terms, not that I needed one. I got a wake-up call every time I watched her in the halls. She flirted with guys just to get a raise out of me, but that knowledge didn't make the spectacle any easier to witness. She enjoyed it far too much, and it was on those occasions I thought that she was channelling Alison readily. I hated that comparison, but it was becoming unavoidable. The images of both girls were becoming entwined before my eyes. That was how I knew I had to get out of whatever this relationship was between us.

Freeing me was harder than it sounds. Every time she got me alone I was unable to resist her and each time I tried to make her jealous or provoke a row it always backfired. She was the only one with the power to hurt me it seemed. I tried to tell myself that it was because she didn't care enough, but then my memory would conjure up glimpses of her kinder side, fleeting though it was. Like, for example, when she warned me off Noel Kahn. I relived that conversation a lot in my weaker moments.

"_Are you going out with Noel or was that just a one off?"_

She'd asked me after ascertaining that I was alone. I smirked, inwardly praising the Rosewood gossip grapevine. The date had been a disaster but I would never tell her that. _"Well he is a major get and even has some serious bad boy cred."_ I had retorted. The genuine concern in her voice was unmistakable_. _

"_There is bad and then there's bad. I would just be careful around him."_

I allowed myself to get my hopes up. _"Do you want me to be careful, like, it would make a difference to you..?" _The conversation ended there, because we were interrupted, so I'd never really know how she felt. That was a story of my life where Hanna was concerned, and the novelty was beginning to wear thin.

There came a day when the dam finally broke. I exploded, all my pent up frustrations bursting out of me as white hot rage. I didn't know that I was capable of it and I scared myself but not enough to stop. I just couldn't take it anymore, she was fawning over Lucas and I recognised that familiar look in her eyes. She was toying with him for amusement and it was like witnessing a variation of our encounters played out. That freak and I already had too much in common for my liking and being around him made me realise that under all my make-up and stolen clothes I was still that girl I used to be. The ugly duckling wasn't really a swan. I detested him for making me feel like that and I hated Hanna even more. I charged over and tipped my thermos over him, my mouth a cruel snarl. He recoiled and I heard a malicious laugh that sounded nothing like mine bubbling up.

"Oops, sorry, Hermie. You'll be okay, right? I mean you've got gills under there don't you?" It appeared that Lucas was about to cry but that knowledge didn't make me feel better like I had thought it would. My anger died as quickly as it flared. I stood there, feeling my stomach twist painfully in response and I was forced to blink back my own tears as Hanna pulled the boy away to clean him up. No such kindness was reserved for me anymore. I got the Alison clone while he was treated to the friend I used to call mine, it wasn't fair. I was ignored. They left me standing abandoned in the hall surrounded by a pool of rapidly cooling coffee.

Crying silently, I counted to a hundred and then went to try and smooth things over with the girl I loved in spite of it all. Hanna was in the bathroom scrubbing her shoes. I could see a faint splash of coffee on the left toe and I blurted out an apology hastily. She glared at me disdainfully as I took the shoe and resumed cleaning it.

She didn't stop me or otherwise say a word. I spoke instead, filling the tense silence. "I didn't mean to." It sounded childish and pitiful. No wonder she treated me like this, I deserved it. I moved towards her meaning to prove my seriousness with grovelling kisses, but she stepped back, nearly sprawling, off balance in only one high heel. "I can't do this." I whimpered. I wanted her to comfort me, to say that she was sorry for once, to tell me that she loved me. I held my breath painfully.

"You're the worst person for me to be around right now." That was her only retort, but it was as cutting as a million insults. She snatched her damp shoe and fled. I didn't follow. I turned away from the sink, sickened by the sight of my reflected snivelling. I cried for a long time and when I had no tears left, I simply reapplied my make-up and walked out, shoulders back and head high.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to the people who reviewed the beginning chapter. The Mona angst continues but at least there are moments of happiness at the beginning and end thanks to a certain brunette.**

** I'll admit that it's fun to be able to write Hanna as a manipulative bitch. As this continues I'm hoping to show you inside her head so that you can get a glimpse of why she behaves as she does. I'm thinking of maybe doing some chapters in either her or Spencer's POVs later on. Good idea?**

** Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think.**

In the wake of my confrontation with Hanna I wandered the halls like a zombie. She didn't approach me and I responded by retreating inward, I didn't speak to anyone. I barely made eye contact unless I had to. There was no pleasure in anything. Food had no taste, not even the ice cream I used in a vain attempt to comfort myself. Whenever I wasn't at school, I locked myself in my room and listened to sad music or watched _Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind _endlessly. I was in a spiral of ever increasing self-pity that lasted for days. It came to a halt when, after a week, over dinner, my 10 year old brother boldly called me pathetic. I couldn't disagree and that's when I knew I needed to do something drastic. I reached out to my Mecca, the mall and hoped to find solace in my great love of shopping.

The attempt was only marginally successful. Everywhere was tainted by memories of Hanna. That was when I decided that Rosewood was too small to offer relief and ventured further afield. It could only be beneficial to go somewhere that didn't inspire me to break down sobbing in the changing rooms. The train ride was calming and I felt less like an emotional wreck as I walked the less well-known streets of Philadelphia. Nobody knew me there so I could let my guard down. All in all, it was the best idea I could remember having for a while.

Running into Spencer Hastings was not something I expected. It caught me off guard and I hated myself for instinctually checking for blonde hair. It was a long walk from the train station to my house and I was laden with bags so a speedy retreat was out of the question. I had a split second to decide whether to attempt to slink away or stand proud. I opted for the latter. Spencer and Hanna were friends and if this got back to the girl I didn't want to appear weak. I had done enough of that.

"I was just doing a little shopping; it was therapeutic, especially since I can't get in touch with Hanna. She's fully AWOL." The fact that we were going purposefully out of our way to avoid each other was irrelevant. I wasn't sure how much Spencer knew, but I was presuming that Hanna was playing her cards close to her chest, if I knew her at all. I wasn't certain that I did anymore. I prayed I didn't sound as frazzled as I feared.

"Sorry, I haven't seen her since school." She replied cautiously. That was my signal to ease up and stop sounding like a deranged stalker, but I couldn't help myself. Hanna seemed to bring out all my less than flattering tendencies including desperation.

"Oh, well, if you see her could you just… you know what, never mind…" I was suddenly speechless. What could I possibly tell Hanna that she didn't already know? I refused to apologise again, much less through a third party. It was such a mess. I briefly pondered nonetheless whether the girl missed me and cursed myself for still caring. Why was she still under my skin and was she destined to always be?

"Do you want me to give her a message?" Spencer sounded genuine if a little bewildered by my current state. I knew I was giving the game away as I'd promised never to do, it wasn't normal to be so worked up over a friendship. Nevertheless, it was impossible to get myself under control. I swallowed down my tears and cleared my throat.

"Could you just…it's just… we had a fight and…it's all so…" I blinked multiple times and tried again. My voice cracking slightly as I did so, betraying me. "Anyway I hit these amazing stores and tried to shop the pain away and I bought like 5 cashmere blend sweater sets, have you never seen me in a sweater set. No, because I don't wear sweater sets, or blends!" My hysteria was rising and Spencer seemed alarmed. I could feel her concern though, and maybe it was that which caused me to say the words that tumbled out next. "I think she broke me." I choked out through my now freely flowing tears. Spencer gave me a tissue. The gesture of kindness made me sob harder. I couldn't believe I had sunk so low that something so insignificant could have such an affect.

"I know you didn't ask me, but I think you can raise the bar a little bit, don't get me wrong, I love Hanna, but the way she treats you. I'm sure there are plenty of girls…uh…or guys, people I mean, who would-" I didn't let her finish. I was in free-fall. I had no idea if Hanna had spoke to her or if she was just perceptive, but I was unnerved regardless. She knew. I dropped the pretence, and looked at her sadly.

Denials were pointless and I was too tired of them in any case. "Do you know how hard I have to work just to get anyone to notice me? I muttered.

Spencer didn't miss a beat. "Well, if you've become the Mona that you want to be, why are you letting anyone tell you that you're not good enough. You cannot let Hanna send you spinning backwards like that."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I managed a weak smile directed solely at the other girl. "You're like 'smart' smart; I always thought you were just book smart." Spencer returned the smile, her mouth curving into a grin that was more authentic than mine. "You want a sweater set, cashmere blend?" I retorted sarcastically. Being able to crack a joke made me feel more human and I was immeasurably grateful to the other girl for that.

"I'm cool, thanks." She began to walk away, my eyes followed.

"Spencer, thanks." I called out. It wasn't enough, but they were the only words I could summon. I hoped she knew how much she had helped me, but more than likely she was clueless. It was only a short conversation after all; we weren't even friends or anything. Honestly we were virtually strangers and yet she was aware of just the right thing to say. I watched her go, slightly in wonder of her and above all, happy that we had inadvertently crossed paths.

In the days that followed I took more strength than I will ever admit from Spencer's words of comfort. I dug myself out of my pit of despair and started to take better care of myself. I took all my shopping back to the store as soon as possible, and it was that act that kick-started my recovery. I did however keep one lone sweater set, stuffed tightly in the back of my closet. I stared at it whenever I felt my resolve failing me. I stared at the ugly garment and told myself that I couldn't fall into old patterns. I had to move on. Hanna was no good for me and I deserved more.

Avoiding Hanna at school was more of a challenge but with some clever thinking I was able to manage it. I knew the blonde better than I knew myself it seemed so I could predict where she was going to be at any given time and made sure to stay one step ahead. I brought bagged lunches from home and went off campus or hid in my car to eat so that we didn't run into one another. The bathrooms likewise were a no go area. It was awkward but for my own sanity, I made the effort and devised a new schedule around her movements so that aside from inside of the classroom I didn't have to see her. That's not to say she was willing to let me go. She propositioned me every way she could. She left notes in my locker and my cell phone was never without messages or voicemails. Hanna even showed up on my doorstep. I just watched her from my bedroom window. I stood there with my pale face pressed against the glass, counting silently to see how far her patience extended. I reached 180 before she walked away, my jaw set in a firm line of determination as I bit my lip and tried not to cry.

All I could do was pray that she took the hint. Unfortunately, Hanna was nothing if not stubborn. She was used to getting everything she wanted since replacing Alison at the top and although I was yet to fathom her intentions; it appeared she wasn't done with me. She cornered me as I stuffed books into my locker before homeroom on the 11th day of my separation from her. My history book skidded to the floor unnoticed as she approached, slamming the door with a bang that tore through me. I set my shoulders so as not to flinch despite the fact that I was terrified. I kept my wide eyes downcast, fiddling uselessly with my combination.

"What the fuck." She hissed, grabbing me in a vice like grip and manoeuvring me so that I was facing her. I didn't even resist. She rarely cursed and it sent a shudder through me. I looked up and my stomach flipped at how beautiful she looked, her face was a mask of contempt and yet I knew if our eyes had met I would have swooned regardless. I licked my lips before I could stop myself. "You don't get to do this Mona; it's not over until I say it is."

I stared at her incredulous. "You cannot be serious." The way that her fingers clenched against my forearm insisted otherwise. It was becoming painful. "Take your hand off me; you don't own me, Hanna Marin." I replied snatching my arm away. I had no desire to wear a bruise the next day.

"Since when." Her voice was crueller than I had ever heard it, but there was something else beneath, a fraught undertone that she couldn't hide. Knowing that made me feel better, detecting that. She was fragile too. She missed me. She needed me. It was something, a small of piece of control that I could exert. I smiled and turned my back, beginning to walk down the mostly empty hallway. Her hold over me was rapidly diminishing and it felt good.

Hanna wasn't done though. She moved in step by me, slinking alongside as I ambled doggedly forward. She leant close to me and the intimacy of it made me pause involuntarily. Considering where we were and her prior evasiveness it appeared brazen. I was frozen. The girl caressed my hair and I quivered because in spite of myself, her lips were just millimetres away from my ear and it rendered me defenceless again. Her breath was warm and it smelled of strawberries and vanilla in a way that clouded my wits, my psyche recognised it instantly as the scent of Hanna and I was incapable of resisting as a result. My breaths were coming in shallow pants as her body edged ever closer to mine so that we were almost intertwined. It was unmistakably a lover's embrace but I didn't stop to consider who might be surveying us. I simply didn't care. A soft moan escaped from within me as her hands fell to my sides, dancing across my skin. I ached to join our lips and my mouth inched towards the pale skin of her neck, not quite daring to make contact.

"I've missed you so much." I whispered.

"I know." She breathed, her caresses never letting up for a single second. She didn't say 'me too' but the tone of her voice implied the words. Maybe I was just so frantic to hear them that my mind filled in the blanks. At any rate, I stifled a second, louder moan. I don't think I have ever felt a more intense level of need for anything in my life. I grinned, playing with her hair. Subsequently in an action that seemed to come out of nowhere as far as my addled senses could ascertain, Hanna pulled away and the abrupt empty space between our bodies made me cry out in protest. The few steps stretched out like miles in contrast to our previous closeness. I wanted her in my arms again. She turned away. "Don't you see, it's that easy. I can have you anytime I want." Her accompanying laughter seemed to echo, reverberating through the halls.

I had been played. I collapsed against the bank of lockers, my knees buckling. It didn't matter that my façade was ripped away. She saw through it anyway. It was all pointless. I had made a fool of myself around her all over again. All my good work and the earnest promises I swore to myself had been thrown away. "How can you be so cruel?" I screamed out wildly. I couldn't see her anymore; my vision was blurred with angry tears so I had no way of knowing if she was witnessing this humiliation.

Moments later I felt strong wiry arms around me, pulling me to my feet with firm tugs. For a split second I thought that Hanna had reconsidered, that she was saving me, apologetic and loving as I'd always wanted. Of course, it wasn't her. I had overestimated her once more. It pains me that I never stopped striving to see the best in her, when I think of all the time I wasted deluding myself it makes me feel ill. Nevertheless I didn't realise who had actually come to my rescue until we reached the bathroom. I felt the cool water flooding my face and freeing my face of clogged mascara and salt. I blinked and my sight cleared. The anxious face of Spencer Hastings was peering down at me clutching a mass of paper towels.

"Who else?" I muttered. I sniffed loudly and fought to compose myself. I was suddenly conscious of how awful I must look and stiffened, bringing my hands to my face with a sigh. "You have a knack of catching me at my worst."

"So it seems."

I met her kind brown eyes. "Be honest with me, how bad is it?" I couldn't contemplate looking in the mirror.

"Uh, on a scale of 1-10 I'd say that things are looking pretty bad. Think Gwyneth Paltrow at the Oscars and you're half-way there." She paused, no doubt seeing the look of absolute horror on my face and realising that she was contributing to rather than diminishing it. "Sorry, that wasn't very comforting, but I can help." She reached into her bag and pulled out a stash of make-up with a rueful smile.

"Thanks." The word fell from my lips without a second thought. It barely crossed my mind that Spencer comforting me was becoming a habit. I was just glad that she was there. I let her re-apply my perfectly constructed face and noticed that she had impressively mimicked how it had looked before. "It looks perfect, but how did you know my routine?" I asked vaguely in awe of her skills. Upon closer inspection it looked even better than when I did it.

"I watch people. I notice things." She replied with a degree of self-consciousness. She started putting all the tubes and powders away and I helped. Once it was done I faced her, beaming.

"Well, I'm glad you do, seriously Spencer, I know I keep saying it, but thank you."

She grinned back at me. I watched her sling her bag over her shoulder and only then did I consider how long we had likely been in the bathroom. I wasn't exactly eager to leave. Spencer sensed this and stopped with her palm pressing lightly against the door. "Do you want me to walk you to class?" Suddenly I wanted nothing more. I nodded.

"Are you sure, you've done so much already, I wouldn't want to-" She pursed her lips angrily, cutting me off.

"Don't. It's fine. Come on, or else we'll be late." I opened my mouth to speak and she waved me away. "Stop thanking me, I can't take anymore gratitude and it may cause me to have to rethink this whole Good Samaritan thing."

"I'm sorry." I mumbled.

"Apologising isn't any better." She remarked with a low chuckle, linking our arms and leading me out. "Don't worry; we've got plenty of time to work on it." That was it, we strode out together and I had an inkling that Spencer was taking me on as her latest pet project. I knew I should have been mildly insulted or offended but I also knew it wasn't an act of charity. I actually felt pleased because the girl was extending the hand of friendship to me and I needed all the friends I could get right then. Besides, she was right, I wasn't doing myself any favours by being Hanna's doormat. I decided that this would be my second fresh start. Hopefully I would have more luck with being able to make this one stick.


	3. Chapter 3

**It's been a while. Blame Glee for holding my heart hostage and leaving me so uninspired. Nevertheless, here is an update finally. Mostly Mona trying to move on and feeling insecure and a little scared. **

**There's also some good friendship fluff, which I really like. I couldn't resist some flirty moments because my head is all full of drunken Spencer and she's just sexy as hell. **

I fully expected Spencer to distance herself after that day and take her offer of friendship with her. I assumed she was just feeling sorry for me. I know it sounds horribly cynical but I wasn't used to people meaning what they said. Nobody was more surprised than me that she actually stuck around. I hadn't exactly had an abundance of healthy friendships to look to for guidance. My oldest friend was Hanna and even before I kissed her and ended up getting my heart ripped out; our relationship was far from conventional. She had always blown hot and cold, her unpredictable moods meaning that she wasn't the same girl from one instant to the next. I never knew where I stood with her and I assumed that was just how friendships with girls were conducted, a source of total drama and unpredictability.

I had nobody to prove me wrong before then. Spencer Hastings however, was about as far removed from that notion as you could get. She was easy to be around, in spite of her crusade to stop me moping, which I actually welcomed as a necessary distraction. Neither of us could pretend the girl hadn't seen my meltdown, and yet, she had the good grace not to mention it unless I brought up the episode first, which of course, I didn't. I had instead opted for utter avoidance and immersed myself in whatever else could hold my focus. It helped that my new found friend was the busiest teenage girl I've ever met. She would never have time to feel sorry for herself. To my surprise, I found that I actually enjoyed tagging along to some of her extra-curricular activities and luckily, the other girl didn't seem to mind having me at her side. On the contrary, she encouraged me and I didn't once feel like a burden.

The Debate Team became a particular favourite of mine. It gave me the opportunity to vent and expel some of the emotions that I had bottled up for far too long. I was brutal to the extent that I almost felt compassion for my crushed opponents. That is, until I saw the grin Spencer wore as she watched me. "You're really good." She said it as though she was expressing the most obvious thing in the world, as though her assessment of my triumph was the biggest understatement of the century. I just beamed back at her. Nobody ever complimented me and I don't think she even began to realise how profoundly grateful I felt for her words. I longed to thank her but those phrases were banned from my vocabulary around the girl.

"I know, right, who knew?" I replied with exaggerated confidence that made her smile widen.

"Really good." She mumbled again as we left. I was walking to my car when she reached out and stopped me. "Uhhh, this might sound a little weird, but I wanted to ask you if you'd like to sleep over at my house tonight."

I nodded, attempting to downplay my excitement. This acceptance seemed so foreign. I'd only really known the girl for a few days as more than an acquaintance and I'm convinced that she had hated me prior to that. After all, she once referred to me as 'five feet of insidious snark with a side ponytail' and said that she'd wanted to 'yank it really, really hard.' Those words had more than a little truth to them. I remembered how bitchy and dismissive I had been to her on numerous occasions in the past. Yet, here she was, giving me a chance, and more than that, inviting me into her home. I smiled again.

"I'd like that." I mumbled slightly self-consciously.

Spencer had no such qualms, she wasn't shy. She retorted animatedly. "Great, you know where I live, don't you? Come round as soon as you're ready. Don't worry about dinner, I'll order Pizza, you aren't a vegetarian are you, or worse on some faddy diet, like the cabbage soup plan… anyway…I'll see you soon, okay." She was rambling adorably. I let her, nodding and shaking my head where appropriate.

"See you later, then." I replied hastily when there was a gap in her speech long enough for me to get a word in. I got into my car after a final small wave, eager to get home and grab my stuff so that I could get to Spencer's. There was a small part of me that imagined if I didn't get there soon she might reconsider. Old habits die hard, I guess, and it was difficult to believe that people were as kind as this girl had shown herself to be. Once home, I barely engaged my parents, other than quickly telling my mom about my sleeping arrangements for the night ahead. I raced to my room and gathered up some pyjamas, make-up remover and clean clothes for the next day, frantically pondering what else I might need.

I hadn't been to many sleepovers, only Hanna's and I felt ill equipped. I doubted that Spencer would be keen on face packs, manicures and glossy magazines. She had already expressed a dislike for dieting, and that topic occupied much mine and Hanna's sleepover repertoire. We would spend hours discussing weight loss habits of different celebrities and decoding the pros and cons of each method. We had pondered over the potential benefits of everything from carrying round a vial of grapefruit oil to sniff, supposedly meant to trigger liver enzymes and break down fats, to drinking nothing but breast milk. Weight was an obsession for Hanna and therefore, by extension, for me too. We spent our nights preening and gossiping. That was simple, I could handle that. Clearly a Hastings sleepover was bound to be an entirely different affair. I was suddenly terrified that I'd be left with nothing to discuss. It could be a long, awkward night if I froze up and had nothing to contribute. It was unlikely that even Spencer Hastings could carry a conversation single-handedly. What if she thought I was shallow? She might see me as disappointing and unworthy of her time or attention.

I was suddenly overwhelmed by the idea of cancelling. I couldn't shake the possibility that if Spencer got to know me better she wouldn't like what she uncovered. Even hypothetically, the idea that she would reject me as a friend was shattering. My phone beeped loudly then, dragging me out of my pity party. I glanced at the message, beaming as I realised who the sender was. **You like double pepperoni, right? Oh God, please say yes!** I sent back a smiley face, my crippling fears swept away by one sentence. Spencer was looking forward to it; I had nothing to worry about. I was being stupid. I slung my bag over my shoulder and left, my mouth still curved into an irrepressible grin. "Bye Mom!" I called loudly over my shoulder, shutting the door so she couldn't stall me.

My natural high didn't last. The nervousness crept in again once I was on her doorstep. I was all over the place, a mess, and yet I couldn't get under control. It occurred to me that I had no idea what awaited me on the other side. I'd been so excited that I hadn't thought to question if she had invited anybody else over. Obviously Hanna would be excluded, that went without saying, but what about Aria or Emily? It was perfectly reasonable to suppose that the girl could have asked them to join us. I wasn't sure how I felt about that possibility. I had nothing against either of them, they were in the dark about me and Hanna, the true nature of our relationship, such as it had been, so I couldn't realistically consider that they would leap to my defence or align themselves to the blonde. They didn't have all the facts. Not yet. So I couldn't blame them for how they acted towards me. I was terrified though, what if they plagued me with questions or worse what if they innocently mentioned Hanna and my heartbreak gave me away? I had visions of Emily staring at me, through me, and seeing, as though my sexuality was written all me like a secret message. Would she be able to tell, recognise something in me? I wasn't ready for that.

I had to fight the strong urge to run. Instead, with trembling fingers I retrieved my phone from my pocket. **Have the others arrived yet? **I typed.

The reply was almost instantaneous making me jump. **There are no others, just me and you tonight; I thought that would be for the best. I didn't want you to have to face the inquisition yet!** I smiled, nodding as I read. Of course she understood. Spencer seemed to grasp my feelings before I had even begun to comprehend or decode them. I was in awe of the fact that she appeared to know what I needed better than I did. I was about to knock on the door and announce myself when my phone flashed once more. **Come inside, the door is open. **I blushed. She had seen me loitering this entire time. I felt like such a loser. My cheeks still aflame, I cleared my throat awkwardly and went inside.

Spencer grinned as I approached cautiously, my high heels suddenly capturing my full attention as I avoided eye contact in my embarrassment. "Hey." She remarked breezily, amusement evident in her tone. I smiled back weakly.

"Thanks for inviting me." I muttered quietly. However, when the words were out I mentally scolded myself; I wasn't supposed to thank her all the time. She chuckled.

"It's fine, don't worry. There is no need to be nervous, I'm not scary." She walked towards me and tilted my face upwards so that our eyes met. "Seriously, I don't bite." She whispered. There was something about the lilt of her voice that made me almost blush again and I fought the flood of colour that was battling to rise against the back of my neck. I wondered if she could feel the heat radiating from my skin and she held my chin lightly between her slender fingertips. I bit my lip. I remembered the last time anyone had been standing so close to me, Hanna's soft caresses followed by the sharpness of her tongue, the words cutting into me, slicing me to ribbons. I took a step back. In that instant, a tiny flicker of hurt showed in Spencer's eyes. I moved forward to explain, but she was already frowning. "I'm not scary, I'm really not." The words were so quiet that they didn't even seem meant for me. It was possible that she was thinking aloud. She sighed and I opened my mouth to make my motivations clear, to tell her that my moving away wasn't a rejection of her, that my mind had been elsewhere, but she had turned away.

"Spencer…I…" I started, feeling the need to rewrite what I had unwittingly done. I was haunted by the sadness in her eyes for that split second, as though I had re-opened a wound that I hadn't even known was there. I felt like I had ruined the night after barely stepping through the door.

"It's okay." She replied over her shoulder, guiding me upstairs. I swallowed hard. I knew enough about feminine logic to know that meant she wanted me to drop it, ignore the chink in her armour that I had accidently prodded. I shook my head. I couldn't. I was forever letting things go, sweeping them under the rug, and it hadn't done my any favours.

"No, it's not. I don't think you're scary, far from it, you've been so nice to me and that day in the bathroom you were so kind and gentle and I… I just want to say, that it wasn't about you, me pulling away, I was just…I'm a mess. I meant it when I said Hanna broke me. I feel like I can't trust anyone now, I almost didn't come tonight because I imagined you with the girls, plotting…"

She spun around, raising her eyebrows. "Plotting?" She laughed. "I know it's not funny, but plotting, really?" She shook her head, still smirking. "I'm not Hanna, I'm not trying to destroy you and I'm not hypocritical enough to break down or blow up if you dare to speak your mind either. Trust me, you won't regret it, I promise."

I smiled. "Let's just agree to start over." I stuck out my hand. "Hi, I'm Mona, nice to meet you."

Her own expression curved into a happy grin. She took my hand in hers. "Spencer Hastings." I released a breath that I hadn't even been aware I was holding, and as I did so, I relaxed. Something loosened inside of me.

We reached her room and I watched as Spencer collapsed onto the bed. I looked around, taking in my surroundings for a while before pulling myself up beside her contentedly. Her room wasn't like I'd thought it would be. I imagined something akin to a library, dominated by bookshelves and a large overbearing study desk. I had pictured trophies lining every wall. In actual fact it was a lot more balanced than that. The rosettes and ribbons didn't fight for space; they just complimented the existing scheme. There was so much more to be found, art, photographs, vivid colours, the awards were just a single part of the rich tapestry of mementos that made up this girl's life, no more or less valued. I felt Spencer's eyes on me as I studied everything so I reluctantly shifted my gaze away from the walls and back to my host. She switched on the TV wordlessly but I sensed she was pleased by my appraisal and the expression that her room evoked on my face

She was playful when she spoke again. "So, what shall we watch first, how about _Mean girls_?" She could barely keep a straight face as she asked, and finally dissolved into a fit of giggles as I shook my head so vehemently that I almost fell off the bed. "Oh right, yeah, maybe not, so what do you suggest?" She enquired breathlessly, now slightly more composed.

I recalled all my prior movie based wallowing and retorted without a second thought. "No romantic comedies, I want something scary, the gorier the better." The other girl made a sound of surprised agreement at my side and with a few clicks of a button submerged us into a shadowy world of menace and ear piercing screams. It was perfect. I nestled down amongst the pillows and switched off my brain.

I couldn't have made a better choice if I had picked the film myself and later when we emerged from the other side, unafraid and bolstered by bravado and the boldness of watching too many horror flicks, I felt on cloud nine. This is how things were supposed to be with friends, I realised. We launched furiously into a debate about why movie "heroines" were so pathetically predictable. It was always the same old clichés, tripping over, losing shoes or clothing, making too much noise in their panic. We decided that we'd save ourselves if the scenario ever took place, and came up with an appropriate strategy that didn't require a muscled hero. As unlikely as it was that we'd find an axe murder loose in Rosewood, Spencer took the game seriously as I'd known she would. I voted for something about zombies next and she embraced the idea of a survival kit with gusto, mapping out her ideas before the opening credits had rolled. I listened to her proposals with a grin, contributing my own thoughts mainly with the intent of making her grin widen or hearing her snigger. I still felt a little bad for upsetting her earlier and it seemed like the best way to make amends.

Pizza and various snacks came and went, quickly demolished and cast aside. I was surprised and slightly ill at ease with the amount of food I consumed, but the other girl didn't even pause. There were no double takes on her end. I pondered my prior false belief that she lived off salads and spring water. It seemed that there were two sides to Spencer Hastings, the high achiever I saw in school that lived to please her overbearing parents, and the giggling, carefree individual at my side. I decided I liked this version of Spencer a lot. She was such fun and I couldn't believe that I had almost missed out on this night.

I was irritated at myself when I began to yawn and fought to keep my heavy lidded eyes open. I battled the tide of my exhaustion even as our marathon drew to a close and I could see my companion flagging beside me. I hadn't enjoyed myself like this for the longest time and I wasn't ready for it to end. Nonetheless, eventually it became clear that I was losing. Spencer dug me in the ribs and I opened my eyes quickly. I was busted.

"Time for bed."

Wearily I trudged to the bathroom and began half-heartedly completing the bedtime routine that I usually followed to the letter. It just seemed so tedious and longwinded that evening with Spencer waiting on me. I satisfied myself by cutting my skin care regime in half and shrugging on my pyjamas hurriedly. When I returned it looked like the other girl was inching to comment of my choice bright pink sleepwear but said nothing. I was grateful that she had left off the sarcasm, but even so, I threw a cushion at her to wipe the look off her face. Spencer chuckled and held her hands up in surrender, beckoning me towards the bed. I got in, unable to stop myself from staring at her exposed skin as she switched off the light. My heart rate sped up a little as I noticed just how short her hot pants were as she climbed beside me.

"Are you a cuddler?" She teased, her voice taking on that same tone as before. I allowed myself to blush this time, hidden safely in the darkness. I questioned whether or not Spencer was aware of how seductive she sounded, if she had any inkling of the way that certain tones of her voice made my stomach twist. Why should she? I didn't answer, so the only response was my shallow breathing in the darkness. It was a while before I trusted myself to make any form of reply and by then I wasn't sure if the other girl was even awake anymore.

"I had a really good time tonight."

The retort was slow, Spencer plainly weighed down by sleep. "Me too." She said and my heart fluttered wildly in my chest again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay, so I know I shouldn't be updating this story again so soon given my poor neglected other fics that need updating but I couldn't resist. I got thinking about Spencer's flirtiness and seductive voice (yes, again, I'm obsessed) and this is the result. **

**It's only short compared to other updates, but that seemed appropriate since it is merely a glimpse, this is still Mona's story after all. It was nice to explore Spencer's head for a while so I'm sure this won't be the last time you get to read chapters in her POV. Let me know what you think, I'm kind of nervous lol.**

_Spencer POV_

"So what's the deal with you and Mona?" I didn't answer Aria straight away, taking longer than necessary to put the books in my locker. She tapped her foot impatiently, huffing as I rolled my eyes.

"No deal, we're friends." I muttered in response. I kept my voice low, it wasn't that I was ashamed, far from it, I was proud of Mona, but it was the first time I had said the words out loud and I was ever conscious of the threat of Hanna finding out. My new friend didn't need the hassle, not when she was trying so hard to be strong and move on. I couldn't contain my smile as I remembered the sound of her laughter and the happy glow she had exuded at the sleepover. I caused that, me, I'd helped her. Aria quirked her eyebrow in my direction and curve of my lips flattened out.

"Why now, I thought you hated her?" I sighed. There was so much I couldn't clarify without exposing Hanna's and, more importantly, Mona's secrets. The girl trusted me. I'd clasped the knowledge that I wasn't supposed to have closely to my chest in the days since I discovered the truth, bearing the weight silently. The words weren't mine to tell and I didn't want to anyway, it wasn't my place. I didn't want to hurt everyone.

"There's a lot you don't know." I remarked cautiously, eager to leave it at that. I wished that Aria would stop analysing me with her stare like that. I didn't ask to be the guardian of all this, but nevertheless, I had been dragged into the mess, and I had to take it seriously. I saw how Emily had been treated at school since she was outted, it was horrible. Mona had enough to contend with already and likewise Hanna, even if she was being a bitch, didn't deserve this punishment inflicted on her.

I'd warned the blonde away from Mona after that day in the bathroom, my manner fierce enough that she had so far complied. I wasn't naïve enough to think that she would stick to her word though and it was hard enough to try and keep the fragile truce alive without adding other complications. All I could think about was how life got to be so messed up, weren't things supposed to be easy for kids like us? When did Rosewood become a place with secrets and shadows lurking around every corner and why did we had to hide the things we really were to please others? Alison was gone, things were supposed to be better, and yet Hanna had just taken up the mantle in her place. If she hadn't, somebody else would have, maybe even Mona herself. Teenage girls didn't get any less complicated the longer I was one. High School was a fucking jungle and I was sick of being strong, I just wanted to get out alive.

"Hanna is going to be pissed." Aria stated, whispering as though the blonde would pounce from behind a locker and strike her down for her comments. I shrugged. Hanna didn't scare me. I was the youngest Hastings. Compared with dealing with Melissa on a daily basis, my friend was nothing. I had confronted Alison too and been willing to take her down and if it came to it, I would resume the crusade for the other Queen Bee. I wasn't afraid.

I was fed up or having to justify myself to everyone, especially when they weren't exactly innocent themselves. "Screw Hanna!" I declared, walking away angrily. Aria didn't follow. I was glad. I wanted to be left alone for a while. I was sick of how the blonde stepped over people, treating them as playthings. These thoughts festered. I couldn't help it. After all, she was worse because she knew better; the Hanna Marin I knew had been an underdog and would have defended them loyally. I couldn't understand what was going on with her. She wouldn't let me in, so I could only condemn her actions and try and save Mona from getting trampled.

So many days I studied Mona as she walked the halls, cowering behind large designer shades. It was obvious that the girl we'd all laughed at, with thick glasses and pig tails who wore her socks pulled up too high hadn't actually disappeared. She just got better at hiding. It made me sad to see how badly she needed to feel love, even if the affection was accompanied by a swift kick. If nothing else I wanted to show this girl that love shouldn't have to be earned or competed over. That was wrong. I knew the sting of love that was conditional too well; it kept me awake at night worrying over grades and essays, made my hands shake as I clutched my field hockey stick. Every time I looked at the other girl I saw myself reflected in her, a Spencer whose self-worth was so dependent on the look in her daddy's eye as he studied her report card or the dismissive wave of his hand after dinner. If I could start to break away, so could she. Maybe we could do it together, unlock what was missing in both of us that made us so badly crave the people who rejected us. I hoped so. I didn't want to carry on like this and I knew that Mona would understand that better than anybody else. That is why I gravitated towards her and it was that pull which Aria would never comprehend. She wouldn't understand I didn't want to try and explain. Those were my intimate burdens to carry, the notion that all was not well for the high-achieving Hastings clan.

Daddy issues may have been the oldest cliché in the book, but it was my story and I couldn't rewrite the pages. That was just my reality and knowing that I wasn't unique didn't make the pain any more tolerable. Rich White Girl problems caused the same ache in my gut as any other teenage angst, and clearly privilege didn't always equate to an easy life. In fact, I longed for absent parents who didn't care, at least then I wouldn't have to feel this pressure settled on my chest all the time, the tight knot in my gut that never abated no matter what I accomplished because it was never enough. My life was a race against Melissa and she always won. She was continually one step ahead, the perfect older sister who effortlessly succeeded at everything, never struggled or sweated. Whatever path I tried to carve for myself, her footsteps had already treaded the way. Everybody, including my friends, thought that I had it all, but what they couldn't see what that nothing was truly mine, so nothing meant anything.

The only time I felt good lately was when I was with Mona. The progress she made was real, and I had helped, made a real difference for once. The fire in her eyes during her short time on the Debate Team was the most cheering sight I had witnessed in a long time. It gave me hope. She was doing something purely for the passion. Maybe one day I would experience that high. All I wanted was to do something for my own reasons, even if the end result was failure. I was bored of the hollowness of the medals and the trophies. The problem was that I had no idea what I even cared about underneath it all, the drudgery, the false ambition. Where was my passion? What did I want? I felt like maybe this girl could offer me some clues, steer me in the right direction. Whether she was aware of it or not, I couldn't shake the possibility that she could help me too. During the sleepover I felt free from the doubts that normally plagued me, able to just be a normal girl for one night and not obsess about things that I should have been accomplishing. It was so relaxing to allow my mind to wander, to switch off and watch a movie without twitching or getting up every few minutes.

For a few short hours, the bad taste in my mouth was gone. Furthermore, when I woke up the next morning with my arms wrapped around my friend I realised that I had managed to sleep for more than 4 hours solidly, without fretting myself awake. There was something else too, the way she looked at me. I felt invincible in her eyes. Nobody had ever looked at me as anything close to how she did before. She gazed at me like she believed I could do anything. It was kind of unsettling and made my stomach flip, and yet I couldn't help but relish the feeling. I felt giddy in her presence. It was both exhilarating and terrifying to catch her eye.

"Hey Spence, where were you last night?" Emily crept up on me later whilst I was still entrenched in my thoughts. I jumped a little at the intrusion. "I thought we were supposed to study." She added when I didn't reply. I felt awful, I'd forgotten.

"I'm sorry, Em." I mumbled. It was so hard to try and juggle everything. I had invited Mona to my house on a whim, completely blanking on any existing plans.

She grinned happily, undeterred. "It's okay; I managed to salvage my evening, just give me a heads up next time, okay." I nodded, noting the mischievous gleam in her eye that only one girl was capable of causing, and returned the smile.

"I will I promise."

"So, what was so irresistible that you just had to cancel on me?" I could see her getting swept away by farfetched scenarios. Clearly, she still had her head in the clouds from her last minute date with Maya. I laughed, eager to nip her romantic fantasies in the bud.

"I forgot we had plans and I invited Mona for a sleepover, that's all." I retorted. I knew she was joking, but I still felt bad. Mostly, I hoped that she wouldn't be offended that I had accidently chosen to spend time with a new friend over an old one.

Emily frowned but her objections weren't for the reasons that I was expecting. "You've been spending a lot of time with her lately, you should be careful; you don't want to give the girl the wrong idea." Her voice was sad and it was plain that she was picturing herself and Alison. I put my arm around her reassuringly. She was wrong, but I couldn't blame her for reaching that conclusion. Emily was making a fair assumption, based on the little information she knew. I smiled for a second time.

"It's nothing like that, we're close, but she…it's not…she just needs me." I assured. I couldn't explain that Mona was still far too hung up on Hanna to think of me that way, not without revealing too much. I had no justification for my over protective instincts without those foundations either. I was stuck and I could tell that Emily didn't believe me. She didn't understand, and how could she with only half the picture.

"Are you sure that Mona wants to be just friends, I mean, I've seen the way she looks at you." I had no answer for that. Emily had obviously interpreted everything differently, but that didn't make her perception utterly false. I couldn't dismiss her claims off-hand. The girl was perceptive, so if she saw something, it was rooted in truth.

Honestly, I was left bewildered, overwhelmed by the possibility behind that sentence. Of course I was aware of Mona's sexuality, but it wasn't an issue. We were just friends, nothing more. I was convinced that I hadn't led her on, at least not as far as I was concerned. And yet Emily's words cast a degree of doubt over my prior confidence. I suddenly recalled how I had woken up with my arms around her that very morning. At once I began to scrutinize the conversations Mona and I had shared, studying both sides, terrified that I had given her the wrong impression. I didn't want to hurt her, not ever; the girl had experienced enough heartbreak before getting to know me. Emily was peering at me intently, waiting for me to speak, but this conversation had begun something that I hadn't bargained for. I didn't want to talk about Mona anymore, I needed to think.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the delay. It's good to be back in Mona's POV again lol. I refuse to apologise for the cliff-hanger of all cliff-hangers that ends this update because it was too good to resist. I LOVE writing this flirtationship thing that these girls have going on and it seemed only right to kick it up a notch given that how the last chapter ended. **

**Let's say that a few days have passed since then and Spencer has been doing some thinking. FEELINGS people. Enjoy! I'd love to know what you think.**

A party at Emily Fields' house was the last place I expected to find myself on Saturday night. Aside from the fact that the guest list predominantly included the swim team and I hardly knew the girl, she was best friends with Hanna which meant we moved in different circles now. Everybody knew about our falling out, it was the worst kept secret in school, although luckily the real reason was still safely under wraps, so the invite was a surprise in itself. I didn't think I'd be welcome. I'd noticed Emily giving me funny looks since the sleepover but I couldn't even bring it up with Spencer because the girl was acting strangely towards me too. The only thing she said when I tried to gauge what had changed was that she had a lot on her mind. She disappeared before I could ask anything else. I knew that could mean anything after all, her family wasn't exactly the Brady's and she had a lot of pressure on her at school, but in spite of those concerns, I strongly suspected that it was my fault.

It wasn't just paranoia or residually built up distrust after what happened with Hanna though. Similarly my imagination wasn't creating problems where there were none either, it was plain to see. There was a reticence in her manner around me and the teasing had stopped. I missed it. Its funny how attached you can become to something in such a short space of time. I hadn't known her long and yet nevertheless I still wanted things to be back the way they used to be. Clearly I had blown it, scared her off. It must have been too weird for her waking up to find us practically spooning; friends don't do that do they? No wonder she was keeping a degree of distance, she probably thought that I was harbouring some intense crush on her. I didn't bother to stop and analyse what my feelings were, it didn't matter then, and my only concern was getting my friend back. I had already lost Hanna; I refused to give up Spencer too.

The party seemed like the perfect way to catch her with her guard down long enough to clear the air and that was how I found myself on the front porch with a load of other random gatecrashers. It wasn't a dignified entrance and the old me wouldn't have been seen dead getting caught sneaking in, but the girl I had become didn't care. Technically I had been invited anyway, so whether I had previously declined or not wasn't important. A girl can change her mind. I wasn't fussed that Emily had only invited me to please Spencer; I just hoped that the girl who mattered would be glad to see me. I found her in the kitchen scrutinising a ladle of homemade punch. It was muddy brown in colour and I swear I could smell it from across the room, it made my eyes water just thinking about drinking that pungent concoction. I had to warn her.

"I'm not sure that is such a good idea…I swear a girl passed out after just one sip whilst drinking the punch at Noel's last year." I knew he was likely to be loitering somewhere in the shadows so I lowered my voice. "Anyway, she ended up knocked up by the end of the night and half of the members of the lacrosse team were potential baby daddy candidates."

Spencer snorted, abandoning the punch bowl. "Thanks for the warning then I guess, very…uh…thoughtful of you."

"I grinned. "What are friends for?" Her smile faltered a little at that so I stepped forward holding her gaze. I couldn't afford to back down so I came right out with it. "That's what we are, isn't it, still friends?"

She replied hastily. "Of course we are, why would you-"

I cut her off. "You're being weird with me. Just tell me Spence, did I do something wrong?" I hated the desperation that had crept into my voice. It was the same weakness that had made me cling to Hanna for so long. Yet, in the same breath I couldn't chastise myself too harshly this time because it wasn't pathetic to need friends, people around you who cared. Spencer was that for me and I refused to apologise for wanting to keep hold of her.

"It's not you; I've just had a lot to think about…" She began again, feeding me the same old excuses. I didn't want to hear them; I could detect the half-truths a mile away. If I wanted to get things back on track I couldn't be afraid. Walking on egg shells wasn't an option. Nevertheless expressing all of the pent-up feelings wasn't so simple. I had to fight to stop the words and phrases coming out in a garbled rush of gibberish, this was my shot.

I groaned. "Stop being vague, I don't care about you sparing my feelings, I just need to know, did I freak you out? When we woke up, was it, did you…? I stumbled, feeling more inept than usual. I was like a tongue-tied kid all of a sudden, tripping all over my fear and anger.

The girl started laughing, catching me off guard. I could do nothing but stare at her in disbelief as she fought to stifle her giggles enough to reply. "Oh god, did you think..? All this time I…. Meanwhile you thought that you were …How did our wires get so crossed?" She grinned. "Obviously we need to work on our communication."

"Let me get this straight, I thought I'd upset you and you thought you'd hurt me?" She nodded. I exhaled nosily, unaware that I had even been holding my breath up until then. "So are we cool?" I mumbled bashfully. It seemed that whenever I was around Spencer Hastings I was perpetually moments away from turning crimson.

"I hope so, I'd like that." I smiled, her words taking away my awkwardness. It was a profound relief and I could relax fully again.

"Good, me too. I've missed hanging out with you." I retorted happily. We entered the main living space side by side. My lateness meant that the party was already in full swing. It was no different from a million house parties that I had been to or organised throughout high school. All the usual elements were there, only one thing had changed, and that was me. I could feel eyes dissecting my path through the mass of bodies but I didn't break stride. I refused to wear my mask tonight. I was done with it. I was going to heed Spencer's words and be the Mona that I wanted to be, for once.

"Well come on then, this is a party after all, what better opportunity to make up for lost time." Spencer called over the music. I just grinned, taking her arm and leading her onto the dance floor. I manoeuvred into a twirl, spinning her around in one seamless motion. Her eyes flashed with amusement and a hint of something else that hovered only momentarily. I didn't try and decode her since it was a game I never won; instead I threw myself into the dancing. Looking around, the majority of other teenagers had no problem acting on impulse whatever the consequences. I was fed up of over thinking everything, I decided for that one night to just do what felt good and right.

This strategy served me well for most of the evening and I was beginning to think that my new carefree approach was the way forward, until I got a reality check in the form of Hanna Marin. How could I be happy-go-lucky when the blonde was just inches away draped all over Lucas? I froze mid step and Spencer immediately knew why. Of course we had both been prepared for this, it would have been ridiculous to expect her not to show, but my heart stopped nonetheless. It was joy on her face that derailed me; I could have handled anything except that. Moving on had been agonising for me, and here she was, effortlessly happy as ever. I felt resentment surge through me. Why was everything always so easy for her? She trampled over people, treated them like shit, but somehow always rose to the top unsullied. It wasn't fair. I was walking over to her before I could stop myself, oblivious to Spencer's attempts to pull me away. I was focused solely on the couple that I was closing in on, circling like a shark. My head buzzed with thousands of cutting remarks, ready to strike. However, when I locked eyes with Hanna they all vanished. No words were forthcoming and the seconds stretched out with excruciating slowness.

When I eventually opened my mouth the words I uttered were nothing like the ones I had planned on using. There were no insults to be found, only my sadness surfacing again. "I think, even by your standards, it's insensitive of you to flaunt this _relationship_ in my face." In spite of all the noise, my statement reached the blonde's ears loud and clear. She smiled cruelly.

"Mona, not everything I do revolves around you." She spoke as though to a child. I was accustomed to her being patronising towards me, but this was worse than usual. Lucas was watching us, bewildered as ever. I ignored him even as Hanna turned towards the boy eying him like prey. The air was heavy with so much tension that even Lucas couldn't remain ignorant any longer. The look in his eyes made me want to curl up and die, there was pity lurking in those depths and it was more than I could cope with. It was too late to flee so I swallowed it all down, another bitter pill of my wretchedness. "Come on, this is what you want really. Haven't you always liked it when I put on a show for you?" My stomach lurched violently then as I saw what she was planning to do. I squeezed my eyes shut but the kiss was lodged into my mind's eye nonetheless. I squeaked something inaudible that could have been 'don't' or 'stop' and Hanna laughed. "I'm just giving you what you want. Now you can play the victim, run to Spencer and tell her all about big bad Hanna." The force of her anger made me step back. People around us picked up on her raised tone and craned their necks to look. I meanwhile was too busy holding the tears in to reply.

The next thing I knew Spencer had launched herself at the blonde, the stinging slap connecting hard against Hanna's left cheek. If we didn't have an audience before we certainly attracted one once she had recoiled, redness blooming instantly across her pale face. "When did you become so poisonous?" Spencer spat. She put her arm around my shoulders and I let her drag me away from this doomed spectacle. "Alison would be proud." She retorted bitterly as we began walking away. I glanced back at the blonde's crestfallen expression recognising the familiar sight of tears about to fall. I averted my eyes. She didn't deserve my sympathy, nevertheless my heart bruised to see the girl I'd loved like that. It was brutal for everyone concerned.

I focused on putting one foot in front of the other. We eventually made it out and I was aware that the soreness I experienced had nothing to do with the icy chill of the breeze hitting my exposed skin. I kept getting dragged back into this whole mess. Why did breaking free have to be so hard? We were walking for barely a few minutes before Spencer stopped. She faced me looking as miserable as I felt. "I'm sorry."

I managed a weak smile. "I thought we didn't do apologies." Spencer nodded and didn't say anything else. I watched her bite her bottom lip as we kept pace with each other, clearly she wanted to say more. I wasn't sure if it was for my benefit or hers that she stayed silent but I didn't question it. Too much had gone wrong already. All the same, I loitered slightly. I was torn, I badly wanted comfort, to give and receive it, but I didn't trust myself to sick into her arms. I hadn't forgotten what happened the last time we got close. I didn't want to ruin things. I wondered when my life had gotten so complicated. I sighed. "I thought being one of the popular girls would make things easier, not harder."

"Do you wish you were invisible again?" Spencer asked softly. We were approaching her house and for once I was glad that Rosewood was so small.

"I don't know, I guess I just wish that things were different, that I wasn't… I mean, kissing Hanna, it was the biggest mistake I ever made. I didn't ask to fall for her, to like girls in the way I'm supposed to feel about boys. I thought hiding it and pretending hurt, but acting on it proved to be a million times worse. "

"You just need to find the right girl." She replied gently, opening her front door.

"That's easier said than done." I muttered under my breath, mostly to myself. First and foremost I had to get Hanna out from under my skin. "I've got an ex to exorcise." I replied more loudly. Spencer sniggered. I didn't feel much like laughing but notwithstanding I had to admit it was funny and when I joined her, cackling, it helped. We laughed for a long while, and it was only when we heard somebody stir upstairs that we did our best to quieten down, tiptoeing to Spencer's bedroom. Half-suppressed giggles still bubbled in our throats in spite of our best efforts.

I advanced towards the bed cautiously, in direct contrast to the other girl who flung herself wholeheartedly onto the mattress with full force. I was mindful of the potential for compromising sleeping positions and the nightmare that could follow. "Maybe I should go home." It was the last thing I wanted but anything was preferable to the awkwardness I had just been forced to navigate with Spencer.

Her response was totally unexpected. "Do you want to play truth or dare?" I just stared, trying to fathom this bolt out of the blue request. I didn't have be a genius even in my less than sober state to see that the game was likely to be a terrible idea, but Spencer was persistent. "I did say that we should work on our communication skills, come on, it'll be fun. Truth or dare." There was an irresistible gleam of mischief in her eyes.

"Wow, okay, seriously? Truth." I remarked, totally bemused. I didn't have the heart to refuse and I'll admit that I liked this impish side of the other girl that I hadn't seen before. The night was apparently full of firsts, I don't think I had ever since her hit anyone either.

Spencer deliberated for a moment, but it appeared to me that it was all for show. I got the idea that she had already thought up her questions long ago. I waited, suddenly nervous. "Why did it take Alison disappearing for you to become the person that I see before me now?"

The answer flowed out of me without thought. "Everybody assumed that I wanted to take over her role as Queen Bee and torture people like she did to me, to get my own back, you know, but the truth is that what happened to her made me realise, life is so damn short. I wasted a lot of time hating myself so I decided to channel that negative energy and become the person that I wanted, it may not have always worked out that way, but believe it or not, that was my intent." Spencer smiled and it made me happier than I'll ever admit that she was satisfied with my answer. Anybody else would have ridiculed me, but there was never any danger of that with her.

I paused for an exaggerated length of time, studying her as she fiddled with the edge of her comforter; lay on her back gazing up at me. She would never say that she was dying to hear my question anymore than I would reveal that I was desperate to ask it. Finally, I relented. "Your turn, are you ready for a truth? Okay, if you hadn't felt sorry for me that day after shopping and again in the bathroom, would we have ever become friends? I mean, if you didn't know my secrets would you ever have thought of me as anything other than Hanna's bitchy side-kick? "

She blanched slightly at my candour."That isn't fair. If I had known then what I know now I would have-" I wasn't taking any prisoners.

"Spencer, this only works if you tell the truth."

"Alright, no." She whispered. "No, I'd have probably still disliked you. Happy now?" I grinned widely. "Why are you smiling?"

"I'm smiling at the twists and turns life takes. It's just funny that losing Hanna, which I thought would be the worst thing that ever happened to me, ended up being great because it lead me to you. I'm lucky to have you, Spencer." I didn't blush or fumble my words. In the spirit of truth telling I had opted to be totally sincere. I didn't even mind that I was gushing and clearly Spencer didn't either because she pulled me into a hug. I folded against her contentedly.

"What's that sound?"

"That's my heart beating, like, really fast." There was no point trying to pretend when there was barely millimetres separating our bodies.

"Dare me to make it go faster?" Her voice had taken on the seductive quality that never failed to make me melt. I gasped and the sound hung between us. For an instant I wondered if I had fallen asleep, or maybe my imagination had finally run away with me. Could she have really said that? There had to be some innocent explanation, I refused to believe that Spencer Hastings was flirting with me.

"Are you messing with me right now?" I stammered quickly, trying to make sense of what I had heard. My heart was positively racing now at the mere suggestion and the other girl must have known because it was deafening to me.

"Tonight there is no thinking, just doing, remember?" The cryptic response was of little aid to my befuddled brain. It was like she had seen into my psyche earlier and turned my mantra against me. Suddenly I couldn't breathe. This couldn't be real life, things like this didn't happen. I must have misread the signals and yet even as I tried to rationalise this situation the girl was smirking at me in a way that was infuriatingly unreadable.

I leant closer, testing the waters. "Okay then, in that case, I double dare you."


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey everyone! I'm so sorry for the delay. My only excuse is that real life has seriously stepped up its campaign to ensure that I'm its bitch lol. Typical, when I left the last chapter on a delicious cliff-hanger, huh? Anyway, I'm back now and I hope you like this update.**

**I didn't mean to include another chapter in Spencer's POV so soon, in fact, I had already written several hundred words in Mona's POV before deciding that it sounded too whiny and I didn't like it. In any case, I'll try to space them out better in future, if you forgive me. I was slightly scared to continue after how I left off, so I'd love to know what you think.**

Spencer POV

"Do you think Melissa is pretty?" I was rambling, I knew but I couldn't stop myself, clearly the alcohol had loosened my tongue too much, leaving me without an internal filter. I wished I could stuff the words back in, but they were out now and there was nothing I could do to change that. Mona stared at me, her eyes fluttering open as though she was awakening from a dream. She blushed, dragging her gaze away from me, and I took that for a positive affirmation. "Oh God, you do don't you? Everybody likes her more than me, every boy I've ever-" The girl reached over tentatively and brushed my loose hair away from my cheeks, cutting off my words. My heart stopped at the contact, reminding me of the prior moment my alcohol soaked brain had just ruined. Before I could react though, her finger tips had stopped their dance, and I couldn't be sure that they had ever been there at all.

"Truth or dare?" I breathed, wearing the ghost of a smile.

I didn't get the answer I craved. Clearly, there was no rewind button. "Spencer, you tried the punch after all, didn't you?" Her voice was soft and kind, but tinged with an unmistakable sadness and something that could have been annoyance, partially masked. I refused to let her be mad at me.

"Maybe." I retorted, catching her eye and trying to make myself understood. Unfortunately though, my body and mind were no longer synched. "But that doesn't mean that I…" I wasn't sure what to say. I'd barely made sense of my own feelings after obsessing endlessly over what Emily had said and it hardly seemed fair to drag Mona into yet more mess when I wasn't sure of anything myself. Yet, there she was, staring at me transfixed. The tip of her tongue swept across her full lips in a single fluid motion, I doubted that she was even aware of it, but it caused a sound to ripple outwardly from inside of me that I couldn't have hidden if I wanted to.

The other girl took that as her cue, blindly crashing into me as she raced to press our lips together. Witnessing this haste, I expected the kiss to be frantic, but there was a hesitance beneath, that drove Mona to apply only the gentlest of pressure. It was unlike any kiss I'd shared with anyone before, it was chaste and tender, but nonetheless, the contact made me feel warm and safe and totally adored. The hairs on the back of my neck stood to attention, and I could scarcely believe the way my body was reacting. Like our relationship, these reactions were new and vaguely terrifying. When the other girl pulled away after a moment, I gasped, attempting to take her bottom lip between my teeth and steer her back towards me, trying to draw her in closer. I didn't want the moment to be over yet, I couldn't deal with whatever came after and aside from that, it felt too nice to give up the sensations that were electrifying my skin.

Most of all, I wanted her to know that I was enjoying it, that I didn't have any regrets, but it seemed that she was the one in free-fall. Mona was the one who was freaking out. "I'm sorry." She stammered, already backing away from me, tensed and eager to run. "I can't."

I moved to block her retreat. I didn't want her to go, and certainly not like that. "Because of Hanna?" My jealousy rose to the surface, making the words sound angrier than I intended. I couldn't help it though, in that instance, I hated the blonde more than ever. She didn't deserve Mona and I wondered if the hold would ever be broken, if I was worthy enough to be the one that did. I had no idea what else to do; I'd been dropping hints all night, when we talked and danced, and now I'd finally offered myself to her, what more was there. Obviously she didn't believe that I was the one.

Maybe friends were all we were ever going to be, and it was likely that was too much to hope for now, after the mess I'd made. I sighed, wishing I could start again. Then it hit me, what would be the point, it didn't matter how many chances I had, realisation dawned. I wasn't the one she wanted. Mona was still talking as my doubts raged on, echoing through my mind. "No, this isn't about her, it's just, we shouldn't, not like this." I didn't listen to the assurances; I was utterly convinced of the truth. It was the same old story, the one that blighted my life; nobody ever wanted me for me. It was always Melissa that they craved, and now it seemed that Hanna Marin could be added to the list of girls more desirable than me. Nothing was ever truly mine. I turned away stung. Tears pricked my eyes and I didn't want her to see.

"I thought you liked me."

"I do, but, Spencer, you're drunk…"

"I know what I'm doing, what I want." I reached for her, needing to prove it. The alcohol may have made me bold, but it couldn't alter what wasn't already there. She had to know that. Mona continued to create distance between us and the words she spoke were like a dash of freezing water against my face.

"I'm not sure you do, this is a big deal. I'm not trying to hurt you, but I have to protect my heart too. I hope you understand." She smiled sadly with her old shyness, a relic from her previous life. "I really like you, but I'm going to go now. Get some sleep, okay?"

"I'll come and find you tomorrow." I called out after her as she left. I wasn't sure if she heard me or not. As my door closed, I collapsed against the plump cushions. Spencer Hastings is never one to ignore good advice and I knew that sleep would help. I just hoped that come morning, things could be salvaged.

Daybreak found me in bad shape. I cowered from the early morning light and rolled over in search of the water glass that usually resided on my bedside to find that I wasn't alone. I blinked my eyes and tried to focus, but sharp pain funnelled through my temples and I gave up rapidly. "Mona?" I had the world's most intense headache but I struggled to an upright sitting position to find that the dark haired girl standing over my bed was in fact Emily. She looked cheerful and bright, obviously fresh from her morning run. I resented that she bore no trace of a hangover. The coffee she held was the only reason I didn't growl at her. Luckily she made no reference to the fact that I was obviously waiting on somebody else. Thank heavens for small mercies.

"Eventful night, huh?" She replied with a grin, handing me the large Styrofoam cup.

I groaned. "You don't know the half of it."

"No offence, but, do you? I'd be surprised if you remembered anything after leaving the party. I've never seen you like that Spence and everybody is buzzing with talk about how you hit Hanna." I scowled. The polite thing to do would have been to ask how the blonde was, but frankly I didn't care. I took a long gulp of the coffee; I couldn't wait to start feeling more human. I had a lot to process.

"Yeah, well, she got what was coming to her. Can we change the subject, please?"Emily nodded, perching on the edge of my bed. She hadn't touched her own drink and was fiddling absently with the lid. I waited; I could tell that this was a sign that there was something the girl wanted to say.

"So Mona didn't stay over last night then? I was steeling myself to walk in and find the two of you-"

I glared at her. "Don't you dare finish that sentence, Emily. I request a second subject change, right now."

"Are you blushing?" I halted her laughter by throwing a pillow but regretted it when my head began to throb. I rested it in my hands, cursing at myself. The tears came suddenly making me feel stupid. I sniffed loudly and fought to control the whirlwind of emotions inside. Emily immediately wrapped her arms around me and I sank into the comforting embrace. "Hey, shhh, it's okay, I was only joking." She tilted my chin up so that I couldn't avoid her. "Spencer, talk to me."

"Everything is such a mess." It was probably one of the most overused sentences on the planet, particularly on a Sunday morning, and I imagined hundreds, if not thousands of people voicing the exact same concern, but I had no better words. It was true and that was all. "I think I like her, no, I know, I do."

"So what's the problem? She's clearly smitten with you."

I took a deep breath and tried to explain. "I don't know how to do this, with her, I mean." The look on my friend's face indicated that she was about to launch into one of her 'love is love' speeches, so I quickly spoke again. "It isn't because she's a girl, it's nothing that simple."

"Simple?"

I bit my lip. Everything was coming out wrong and the last thing I wanted was to offend Emily. I fought to find the words. "I just…I don't care that she's gay or that I'm…whatever this makes me. It's more than that. I don't know how to make you understand, for the first time, it isn't about rivalry or being the best or any of the reasons I hooked up with Ian or Wren. It scares me, I've been thinking since last night and maybe she was right to reject me, what if I can't do it, be in a relationship that's actually real?"

"Oh Spencer, the fact that you are even worrying about this in the first place shows that you care about her."

"You think?"

"I know." She took my hand and gently squeezed it reassuringly. "Right now you are both freaking out for very different reasons, you need to talk and get on the same page before Mona misinterprets your reluctance and you scare her off for good."

"Do you think it could wait a few hours? I feel like death."

Emily laughed. "Don't worry; I doubt she'll be an early riser this morning either." I managed a small grin of my own, feeling less depressed about everything I faced now thanks to my friend's unwavering optimism and belief.

"Thanks, Em." I replied, hugging her again. The other girl embraced me tightly before she broke away and twisted the cap off a bottle of painkillers that appeared in her hand as if by magic. She shook out two pills into my extended palm and I swallowed them gratefully, my smile finally feeling more genuine.

"Anytime, you know that, right?" I nodded, and with a small wave Emily left me alone to sleep and plan my next move. The dreams found me easily, the plans less so. My only solid plan then was that I should wait to see Mona, approach the girl when I was less of a wreck. I hoped that she would wait to hear me out, confident that by the time school began on Monday, I would know what needed to be done. For the first time I thought that maybe it was possible for me to have my cake and eat it too. Either way, I wasn't giving up, I was determined to show Mona that I willing to be in this as deeply as she, and that she had no need to guard her heart against me.


	7. Chapter 7

**There is no point apologising for the epic delay, although I am beyond sorry, because it seems to keep happening again and again, and that's just life. I'm back now, and in Mona's POV once more, which is so much easier for me since I am slightly uneasy with a Spencer head cannon where there isn't a Toby. I hope you enjoy this chapter in all its fluffy glory as there will be plenty more to come!**

**Also, just a head's up, I've decided to abandon the idea of doing any chapters in Hanna's POV. Instead, I'm thinking about maybe doing a stand alone piece for Hanna in this universe once this story is finished if anybody is interested. **

By late Sunday evening my thumbs ached from typing out a million messages that I couldn't bear to send. I desperately wanted to speak to Spencer and yet I was terrified at the same time, I'd already been somebody's drunken play thing and sober mistake. I checked my phone inbox for a final time and as my eyes scanned over the newest message again my nerves overwhelmed me. **Call Spencer! **That was all it said, but those two words were daunting enough, summing up my exact mindset in a simple instruction. The text made it sound so easy, even as my heart thumped frantically against my ribcage to remind me that it was anything but uncomplicated to make the first move. I sighed and hid it away for a final time. It was safer not to look at it and be greeted by my happy welcome screen instead. Nevertheless, I knew the message I was ignoring had come from Emily, she'd signed it, though I couldn't work out how she had gotten my number. It didn't seem like a problem in the scheme of what I faced so I put it to the back of my mind. However, a small part of me hoped that Spencer hadn't passed my contact details along. It wasn't that I minded the girl knowing, after all, she was trustworthy and kind, it was just that I envied Spencer her confidante when I had none. My isolation from my former best friend was never more apparent than during moments like these. I hated Hanna and I missed her in equal measure.

I can't deny that any offer of friendship would have been tempting though, having only my four walls and anxious thoughts for company was a lonely prospect, not that I could face going out but still, some human contact was appealing. I usually got my fill of social interaction at school, but the mere idea of walking into the building tomorrow set my whole body on edge. I was stuck between the tug of boredom and loneliness vs. my angst at the necessary confrontation with a certain brunette that the real world inevitably provoked. It was a rock and a hard place. Of course, my hideout was only a temporary reprieve, there was no chance in hell that my parents would let me skip and Monday morning loomed. There was no doubt that I would have to see her and talk to her then, Rosewood High wasn't big enough for me to bury my head and deep down I didn't want to. If I was being honest, I was more than willing to pull of the Band-Aid and seek out Spencer for the conversation; I just wished I had some means of predicting how the conversation might go. I couldn't stop visualising the longing in the other girl's eyes and it tore at my insides. I had no idea if the things I had seen were genuine or a facet of my own desire and therefore simply a fabrication of my wishful thinking and nothing else. The only way I could tell for sure is if I was able to re-ignite the look when she was sober, so that was my goal, telling myself that if I succeeded, it would be proof. The only flaw of this scheme was that I had to risk the pain if the look eluded me, which was easier said than done. My heart hurt and it already seemed too fragile to withstand any further torment. I had nothing left but to swallow hard and resist the urge to pray.

Spencer might not even remember the first kiss, only recalling my hesitance to follow through on it and possibly not even that. It was highly feasible that the night was a nothing more than a dense haze, a black-out. I couldn't disagree with the way that my inner voice told me that the girl not knowing would be safer and grant me a do-over, but that didn't mean that this option was what I wanted, far from it. "I don't want safe!" I lamented into my pillowcase. "Love isn't a cosy pair of slippers." I had floated in limbo for long enough. I may have been tied up in knots by the knowledge that kissing her l didn't feel like something to regret and yet the implications of her drunkenness and distorted perception signified that the act couldn't be wholeheartedly cherished either, but that didn't automatically signify that I had to stay stuck. I would dig myself out of this mess and move forward somehow, whatever answer Monday brought. That, above all my other somewhat half formulated plans, was my solemn promise to myself.

Furthermore, I resolved that the most important thing was that I didn't fall into the damaging patterns I had repeated over and over with Hanna. I didn't want my relationship with Spencer to be like that. We needed to be equal; therefore I had to let her come to me in spite of my constant need to approach her first. The wait was agonising. It didn't help that I'd been so fidgety that my mother had shipped me off to school early. I shuffled across the grass, ignoring the sign to keep off, at a loss of what to do with myself in the meanwhile. Normal people had friends to distract them; I hadn't even thought to bring a book. I doubt I could have focused on the pages anyway, but it would have been something, the illusion of being blasé at the very least. I have no clue of how long I listlessly loitered, hoping to catch sight of her, only aware that when I did, she stole my breath away. She raced towards me, and as she picked up speed, her long flowing hair fluttered behind, like a wave, or more fittingly, a white flag. I averted my eyes from her face, since seeing her cheeks rosy from the exertion of catching me was making my stomach flip and destroying my endeavour to be calm.

"I only drank so much because I couldn't do it sober." There was no hello, no greeting of any kind, just the music of her footsteps accompanied by a slightly raised voice. I detected an edge of desperation to her tone, but no apparent nerves. If not for the unmistakable quivering between her shoulder blades that I had seen a million times before, most often when she had a difficult shot on goal to take on the hockey field, I would have considered her at ease. It made me feel a little better to think that I was attuned enough to notice the signs of anxiety that few people could, and wondered if she had spotted my tells too. I failed to see how she couldn't have though, I felt like I had a display of flashing neon above me declaring how much of an emotional wreck I had become.

I took a halting breath, my mind too clouded to figure out the accurate connotations behind what she'd said. "Do what? I hope you don't mean…because if you find me that repulsive then-"

She cut off my idiotic blathering in a flash. "I'm not talking about the kiss; I'm talking about everything else. I couldn't deal with what was going on inside my head, my feelings for you…I just…it all got too much, but I never meant to ruin things like I did. Please forgive me for being such a moron. I have no idea how you managed to turn me into a stereotypically inept teenage boy."

Amen I thought, yet I didn't laugh. My eyes locked with hers. "You have feelings for me?" She nodded, suddenly bashful. Her cheeks turned light pink again.

"I thought that was obvious."

I bit my lip to hide the gasp that erupted as a result of all my dreams coming true. The silence stretched out as I composed myself and I rushed to fill it. "It wasn't all you; I brought my own baggage along as well. I should have stayed and explained. I can't keep running."

Spencer shook her head fiercely. "Don't do that. You don't have to defend me and you definitely shouldn't turn this on yourself. You did nothing wrong. I messed up and I'm here because I want to own up to it so that we can hopefully move past it." She stepped forward and ducked her head to free herself of my piercing gaze. The next words were timid, all her earlier confidence and purposefulness evaporating. "I need you to know, with nothing stronger than caffeine in my bloodstream, that I really like you, Mona."

"I really like you too." I echoed unselfconsciously. However, before I could spill my guts any more, the bell rang. I cursed it. The interruption couldn't have come at a worse time. Unable to cram all my thoughts and feelings into a millisecond's worth of speech, I tore my gaze away and regretfully headed towards the doors as the other girl kept pace with me.

"Can I walk you to class?" She whispered formally. She technically already was, but I nodded quickly anyway. I smiled because even though she eagerly rushed to carry my books, Spencer didn't place one solitary fingertip on them until the other girl was assured that she had my permission. It was romantic in and old fashioned way that made me melt. Nobody had ever done that for me before and I figured that the sight belonged solely in TV shows or movies. My heart continued to soar as I settled into my home-room seat, not wanting to break eye contact with the brunette across the aisle for any reason. I ignored the teacher's droning voice, beaming. Spencer thrived rather than wilted under my intense scrutiny and the grin she reserved for me filled my body with warm ripples. I couldn't believe how quickly things had turned around, this time yesterday I was crying and now all my worries had evaporated. I wondered if I was dreaming, alone in my bed, and at any moment my alarm would wake me and herald the real start of the school day. Nails bit into the soft flesh of my forearm and I remained seated, content that it was authentic.

My next few classes might as well have been late night static flickering across a TV screen for all the interest they held. Every now and then a disjointed word or phrase would filter into my perception, though the teacher sounded fuzzy as if the speech was travelling under water to reach my ears. It was the definition of cloud nine, nothing could touch me. I effectively held my breath until I could talk to Spencer again. Unsurprisingly, given her earlier eagerness she found me first. I noticed her in the doorway in the dying minutes of class, and the only shocking thing about the scenario occurred to me later, when I realised that she must have either skipped entirely or cut out early, and neither of those actions was typical of Spencer Hastings. By doing so, she filled in any blanks and swept away the residual hesitation on my part that had been left by the bell's interruption, telling me everything I needed to know. I rose from my seat without thought, moving hastily towards the door in almost an exact parallel to her seeking me out hours before. It was nearly time for lunch and the teacher was on autopilot as I effortlessly slipped away.

"I couldn't wait anymore, we've wasted enough time, don't you think?" I nodded emphatically, and let her lead me wherever she wanted to go. The hallway was empty and I couldn't help but grin at the notion that fittingly it belonged to us in that instant. We relished it, talking nonstop and consuming each other with our eyes. I hadn't seen the look I craved, but the ones I had been privy to, intense fiery glimmers, gave me confidence that we were on the same page.

"So what now?" The lunch bell was too loud, a shrill shriek that ate into the pleasant illusion I was crafting, but the girl wasn't content to let herself be stopped this time. She ignored the crowds of kids that had begun to jostle past us, her stare fixed firmly on me.

"Can I kiss you?" Spencer was standing so close that her breath tickled my cheek, releasing comforting whispers of coffee and cinnamon. It made me feel warm. I took a step back, looking across at the bank of lockers and in turn, all the people dotting the halls. She wasn't concerned, still in the world built for two, but I, on the other hand, had been burned before and my guards were firmly back up from the second that bell shattered the stillness. Old habits die hard.

"We're in school, everybody will see." I whispered back. Spencer only smiled, the ball of her thumb brushing against my cheek with deliberate gentleness. The gesture did the anticipated job of allaying my fears and more. I gasped, the hairs of the back of my neck standing to attention as my eyes stopped their uneasy practice of surveillance and rested securely on her face. "I don't think that having an audience is the best idea…" I began, the excuses tumbling out as I tried to stay resolute. It was impossible though, my whole body was humming with the contact.

"I'm not ashamed of you, are you ashamed of me?" She sounded fierce and proud which made me feel special and adored. I shook my head, the only answer I could give, my throat closing up. "Well, then…" She murmured. It sounded more like a purr and I could feel myself falling off the ledge. I craned up on my tiptoes to meet her mouth as it edged towards mine. The fire was fully alive in her eyes again, I saw it in the seconds before I closed my own, sighing contentedly into the kiss. It was what I had been waiting for, a replica of the look she gave me that night, only amplified a million times. As the minutes stretched out and doubled, I lost myself in the rhythm and no longer cared who might be watching.

The only thing that mattered was the taste of her lips and the unrelenting softness and heat of her open mouth. I didn't bother to tease or withhold, giving myself over totally to her explorations. I had no desire to play games or score points, not with this girl; she could have all of me if she wished. This kiss wasn't a fight for dominance, our tongues didn't clash, rather the pace was synched as our lips continued to collide. In short, it was perfect, the fairytale I had conditioned myself not to want. "Oh my god…I think I…" In the minuscule moment of silence the L word longed to spring up from my throat and I quickly swallowed it down, diving into another kiss, and trusting in the safety of that. It was too soon, and those 8 letters were too treacherous. I had learned my lesson well. Spencer was a different creature entirely to Hanna, but I was still determined that nothing would intrude on our happiness then. I wasn't prepared to take any steps backwards as a result of rushing in. We'd done enough of that for one day.

"I know, I know." She retorted breathlessly. "It's okay." The words were repeated over and over in hushed tones until they blended together and flowed between us like the snatched exchanges of air. When I finally broke away, I stole another look at Spencer, pondering the extent of what she actually knew. My psyche resembled a shifting maze as far as I was concerned, so it seemed impossible that I had remained an open book to her. Then, again, considering how well we fit together, I had to concede that it wasn't so strange that she would possibly understand and reciprocate my feelings after all. All the same, in light of the display that we had already given our peers, I thought it best to avoid jumping for joy or doing a happy dance across the linoleum at this development. In place of such an outburst, I settled for pressing the other girl against me in an ecstatic hug. "I had a feeling that today was going to be a good day." Spencer replied with a happy chuckle.


	8. Chapter 8

**I'm really happy with the latter part of this chapter, which isn't surprising because that's where my focus lies, but I would love to believe that the beginning doesn't suck too bad, let me know what you think. This story is going to be over soon, and so, with this update, I wanted to offer closure, for Mona regarding the Hanna saga and for Spencer too concerning the reactions of the other liars. I hope I succeeded on some level because it's all planned fluff in the following chapters until endgame so if not, I've lost my chance to address the issues. Regardless, I won't bore you anymore with my master plans, enjoy the read!**

It was easier than I expected to ignore the stares and whispers. Obviously, I was no stranger to a tide of reactions in the hallway, both positive and negative, and Spencer wasn't either, yet I didn't anticipate rising above it all so utterly. It occurred to me that maybe the feeling of being so wrapped up in each other that we just didn't care was the definition of cloud nine. The phrase was banded about frequently but I never really stopped and considered the significance beyond the choruses' of slushy love songs before that moment. However, I honestly believe that post kiss, I could have been doused head to toe in pig's blood and it would have slid right off my back, the humiliation wouldn't have penetrated my levels of happiness. My Cheshire cat wasn't forced at all and I didn't find the act of holding my head high a chore as I gripped the other girl's hand and together we headed the only other two people who existed on that expanse of scuffed linoleum. No-one else mattered.

Emily was the first to cross our path; in fact, the girl almost collided with us, practically skipping in her haste to catch us. She pulled Spencer into her arms, and by proxy I was scooped up too. For once, I didn't feel awkward; on the contrary, I enjoyed the feeling that my fledging relationship had its own cheerleader of sorts already. I wasn't used to people supporting me, but in that instant, the feeling grew on me quickly. "It took you two long enough." It was nice to have a supporter. "I'm proud of you." I grinned in response, relieved that Spencer was deaf to anything other than her friend's hushed tones.

Pride was another foreign concept for me, real pride in myself at least, beyond conquering the latest trend or having the most party RSVP's, but watching the girl at my elbow, I finally comprehended the notion in a sense that wasn't purely theoretical. I was proud of both of us. "Not as much as I am." I retorted quickly.

The walk to the cafeteria was dreamlike; I still couldn't believe that Spencer Hastings was my girlfriend and furthermore, she made no secret of the fact. After all, you couldn't get a clearer declaration of intent than that kiss in front of an audience, not that I was complaining. My jaw ached from the smiling but I couldn't relax the muscles. It was like all my birthdays and Christmases had come at once, and the stolen glimpses in the other girl's direction as we got shepherded along, clued me in that she felt the same. The smells from the lunch line filled my nostrils but the butterflies lining my stomach made it impossible to contemplate eating. I kept steeling myself for the instant that the rug was pulled from under me, unable to fathom my idyllic reality. It had to be all snatched away, happiness so complete wasn't handed to a girl like me. It seemed too late for the good fortune to kick in now, but here we were.

I glanced around in an attempt to recollect my bearings and noticed that Aria was already at the table. It was immediately obvious from her demeanour, even half a room's width away, that she was one of the only people clueless about the kiss. Surrounded by gossip, the girl was serenely gazing at her phone screen, taping away with a lovesick grin as we sank into our seats. "A nuclear bomb could drop beside her and providing she still had enough cell phone reception to text Ezra, she'd be clueless." I laughed at Spencer's statement, content that it was safe to do so because the words were candid without being malicious.

"Are you comparing publicly kissing me to a worldwide disaster?" I replied teasingly in her ear.

"Well, you did give my previously well ordered universe a huge shake up so on some level I suppose that would ring true." She countered, so close that her breath tickled my neck. I squirmed, finally opting to retaliate by licking my lips with deliberate slowness, making her cheeks flush.

Meanwhile, as the back of Spencer's neck visibly reddened, the other girl continued to speak unaware of our private exchange. "The girl has tunnel vision; it'd be romantic if it wasn't so…" She faltered, waiting to be supplied with a suitable adjective by one of us. I stayed silent though, I secretly thought it was sweet and I could relate better than anyone to the idea of becoming utterly wrapped up in another person. Left hanging, Emily abandoned her remarks and changed tact. "Come on; let's give her something else to think about, for a few minutes at least."

As soon as Aria looked up and clocked our linked hands, huge, guiltless smiles and Spencer's smudged lips there weren't many blanks to fill in. She wasn't as clueless as her friends made out and even if she had been, a neon sign couldn't have been less subtle than the pair of us. All the same, I did respect the fact that the girl disregarded the rumours until she had genuine, indisputable proof in front of her. My younger self and I could have taken several notes out of her book about that philosophy. "I wish you'd confided in me sooner, I've been in your shoes, remember, and I know how lonely it can be. You need your friends more in situations like these not less; don't keep us in the dark for so long next time, Spence." At the same time as my girlfriend fidgeted nervously, taking a lungful of air as she let the words sink in, I couldn't fault the other girl's reaction. I nodded appreciatively; things had gone better than I anticipated. Spencer, on the other hand, remained flustered.

"I'm sorry; it was just a lot to deal with, there were…I…we…"

I found it distinctly adorable and it pained me to jump in and rescue her almost, despite the apparent struggles. "It's my fault really. I didn't want Hanna to find out, so I thought it would be best to keep things low key for a while." To my surprise, it didn't even hurt much to mention the blonde now. Aria pursed her lips and it struck me again that she would be able to relate to our concealment most of all, as a result of all her experiences with Ezra and the run ins they'd had with her parents since they stopped hiding. Perhaps we had missed out on an early ally, nevertheless, I was glad she was in our corner now.

Spencer shot me a grateful look and then smiled broadly. "I guess today I tore up that memo."

Emily piped up straight away, bemused. "Hard to believe that our boss had a momentarily lapse of control, huh?" Hilarity rang out throughout the group. I really liked this new bold, hopelessly romantic Spencer though and when we were alone, I intended to tell her how much I approved of everything she'd done, out of character or not.

"I'm happy for you guys, but next time, can I not be the last to know, please?" Aria was joking, keeping the mood light, yet I couldn't stop the sullen retort from dripping from my lips.

"You aren't, I'm afraid that honour belongs to someone else." This second reminder of the missing girl at the table was harder to shake off and I instantly hated myself for dragging everyone down. It was unintentional, but nevertheless, the jollity stopped dead. My companions each frowned in turn. I turned to Spencer, hurrying my garbled explanation. "Sorry, I didn't mean to-"

She cut me off after a few scant syllables. "You are allowed to talk about her, to think about her, we can't pretend that Hanna doesn't exist, she was important to you and she brought us together, so in a deranged way, I'm actually grateful to her." After evoking her name yet again, I expected the girl to appear in the doorway, like a bad penny, she didn't, but even so, I couldn't stop my mind from circling back to her. Hanna was going to find out, the power of the Rosewood grapevine was in full swing, that was unavoidable, but I did have some say it what would happen next and how bad the backlash might be. Given all the hostility and things unspoken left between us, I didn't suppose that the girl would take the information on board gracefully, the best I could do was strike while the iron was hot to limit the damage. I chewed my lip anxiously, not wanting to confirm or deny. I wasn't naïve enough to trust that we could safely shelter in our fragile cocoon, protected from the fallout, which really could turn nuclear once I crossed paths with my scorned ex. "Go and find her."

I balked, doubting that I had heard her correctly; even Spencer couldn't be that wonderfully understanding. "What?" She couldn't possibly mean that I would leave her cosy orbit to confront Hanna. I had no desire to put my mouth into the lion's den.

She squeezed my hand comfortingly. "I know you, you'll keep obsessing until you do this, so go and get it over with, say what you need to say." I opened my mouth to argue, in the same instant as she shook her head. "Trust me." Spencer stated stubbornly. I did, with all, my heart, so I got up from the table and set out to put my demons to rest. I knew that she'd face a barrage of questions from the others about my relationship with Hanna and I hated that I was leaving her to answer them alone, but I had to admit that she was right, I needed to have this conversation sooner rather than later. The ghost of my past mistakes had haunted me long enough.

I knew exactly where to find Hanna Marin, although I took no comfort in that established skill anymore. As I strolled to the one place at school I was certain she'd be, I pondered whether all the things that had once tethered us would constantly enable me to track her, regardless of the distance I craved from the blonde. I hoped not. Instead, I prayed that after this tête-à-tête, I could let the abilities that I'd forged for her fall away and rust. It wasn't my job to keep tabs on her and I had come to realise that I was foolish to think that I could. It had never been my responsibility to fix or tame her. She was her own worst enemy, and mine too, and I was better off being far away. She noticed me at once, and averted her eyes. I still saw the tears that she had tried in vain to hide, but I didn't crumble at the sight anymore. Sympathy for this girl was reserved for somebody else, things had changed.

I took my time in approaching her, keen to show that I was no longer the little lost girl who ran along gripping her coat tails. I smoothed a stray curl away from my cheek and waited. I was suddenly exhausted. Our eyes met for a second in the dingy reflection and that was all I needed. I recognised that she was tensed, ready to run, and took it as my opening. I cleared my throat and the worn out sigh that followed echoed between us. I was sick and tired of the dramatics. "I'm not going to chase after you this time, Han." I stated calmly, catching her eye again deliberately. There was no doubt that I meant it, I witnessed her deflate a little, and it was like with a single exhale all the bravado was stripped away. "What happened to us?" It was the starting point of every thought I'd had about her since that day in the summer and I spoke it aloud to reclaim my sanity, despite knowing that she'd have no more coherent answers for me than she'd offered then.

"You ran off with my friend, that's what." It was petulant and I wasn't about to dignify her whining tone or the bare faced lie she chose with a reaction. We both knew that her version of events was far removed from the truth. Unfortunately, she wasn't done attempting to goad me into a fight. "Are you fucking her yet, is she good? I've always wondered if Spencer would be less uptight between the sheets, or just more domineering. Tell me Mona, what's the story?"

"Don't." It was the only warning she would get from me. Hanna glared but I stared her down just as hard, unflinching. "Since you already know about us, let me say this, whatever schemes you are planning, drop them. I see you for who you are now, Han, and your manipulations won't work so, for all our sakes, don't waste your breath. You'll never succeed in breaking me and Spencer up."

The blonde laughed. It sounded like broken glass being stepped on. I shuddered. "The reality is, Mona, I never wanted you, not really, so what makes you assume that I'd want you back now. You're like the broken toy I got tired of playing with and Spencer is welcome to you." Her lips quirked up, the tears dry on her cheeks as she flipped her hair triumphantly, intending to leave me open mouthed in her wake like she had a hundred times before. "I'd assumed that she stuck to Melissa's cast offs, although I guess my sloppy seconds are fair game too, it's rather ideal actually, don't you think?" I sensed the deathblow, but my knowledge of its arrival didn't soften the barbs that she delivered. I wanted to launch myself at her and scratch her eyes out. I would have taken great delight in wrestling her to the floor and leaving marks that she couldn't hide or deny. She deserved it, but at the end of the day, what stopped me was the awareness that if I reacted violently, letting my temper lead me, then the blonde would win.

No good would come of me behaving recklessly and therefore I swallowed the impulse. It was one of the hardest things I've done, and I eventually chewed the inside of my mouth until I tasted copper, forced to literally bite my tongue. "This spiteful envy is getting rather old, I mean, jealousy is such an ugly emotion, don't _you _think?" I sounded a lot more composed than I felt, so I pressed on, not daring to relent in case I folded completely. "Aren't you tired, Han? You lost, it's time to get over it."

"I didn't lose because don't want you!" She screamed it loud enough to rattle all the locks on the stalls, and yet I didn't flinch. For once, I was the one in control.

"Yes you did, you do." I countered quietly. The language tasted sweet. Calmness filled me. "I'm going now, this is finally over."

There was no doubt in my mind that I was free, and the tears that broke through my lashes were for once, born of relief rather than sadness. My lips curved into another small smile of their own accord, placing my appearance at odds with itself. I messaged Spencer, not keen on the prospect of re-entering the cafeteria and seeking everybody out. The problem wasn't that I felt stripped and exposed; I wasn't scared of displaying vulnerability, I could have handled anything now. The fact was that I just wanted to shield this feeling and make it last and I couldn't do that if I had to rehash the scene and defend my every move to her friends as though my life was a tactical game of chess. I didn't need my many rights and wrongs validated, it was finished and done.

My shaking hand typed out 3 words and hit send. **I did it. **There was nothing else to say, and I knew that whatever I was at a loss to verbalise the other girl could read effortlessly from my body. I don't know how long I hovered by the fire exit, alone. It didn't seem to matter in the scheme of things because we had all the time in the world. "I guess I really am stuck with you now, aren't I?" The brunette remarked as she approached, smirking at me. I was about to counteract her comments with a suitably amusing quip of my own, but she quickly pulled me into her arms, repressing the intent utterly. I breathed her in for a moment, satisfied not to move. "You're really mine." She added, barely believing it.

I nodded, aware that she would feel the gesture against her chest. It was one of those perfect forever moments that you wish could be immortalised in print or caved on stone. I looked up to find Spencer beaming at me, her eyes shining. "We belong to each other, no take backs." I exclaimed with a childlike giggle. To corroborate this, she pressed her lips to my neck until the sound changed, catching in my throat, somewhere between a gasp and a moan.

"I've wanted to do that for ages."

I broke away half-heartedly, raising an eyebrow. "Ages really? I've been gone for less than 15 minutes."

She narrowed the gap between us, tilting my chin up so that I got momentarily lost in a deep sea of brown. "I know, but I wanted to kiss you again for 20."


	9. Chapter 9

**Not much to say really, I'll let the shameless fluff speak for itself. However, I will add I'm eternally grateful for all the love and I hope you enjoy the update. Especially since I'm 99.9% sure that this is the last chapter from Spencer's viewpoint and approx 99% sure that there will only be 2 more chapters to come. **

Spencer POV

We were both agreed that given the whirlwind of the past few weeks, it was necessary to blow off some steam. Unfortunately my preferred relaxation techniques differed hugely from my girlfriend's. Mona wanted to go shopping, and irritatingly although I fought my corner valiantly, she ultimately won me over. Yoga was rejected and fireside reading was likewise cast aside in favour of shopping. So much for give and take, all my suggested activities were 'out' whilst Rosewood mall was apparently in. The activity itself didn't irk me so much as the fact that she'd cast aside all the debate tactics I had taught her and resorted to old fashioned pouting. Furthermore, despite my best efforts, I was powerless to resist the adorableness of her jutting bottom lip and rendered a helpless, quaking puddle by her puppy dog eyes. I had perfected that move myself over the years, and I knew its effectiveness, but the other girl somehow took the expression to another league. I didn't know whether to be impressed by her for using it, or unimpressed with myself because I fell for it.

Ultimately it didn't matter since the end result was the same. We both ended up trawling the racks of the one place that I usually avoided unless a new school year beckoned. Every time I picked up an outfit or caught sight of myself in a nearby mirror I was tormented by the looks my friends would have given me had they tagged along. They would have delighted in calling me whipped, relishing the accompanying sound effects. It was proof that even from the depths of my imagination, Aria and Emily could still make a valid point. Of course the reality was that I was using their voices to tell myself what I already knew, that I was falling deep and fast and hard. It was love, undeniable and all consuming. It had to be. Up until then I had only felt the burn of desire and this was different. My eyes had been opened to another world. I was a stranger to this land and it showed, each time I blinked I was afraid that the ground would crack and shift beneath my feet.

"Having fun?" I asked, mostly to drag myself out of these thoughts. A slip of the tongue could leave me floundering in water up to my neck. I couldn't speak on behalf of Mona, but I wasn't ready to declare myself out loud. Everything was so shiny and new, I couldn't let anything tarnish us, not even my runaway heart. This girl had been hurt before, badly, so I had to look before I leapt. The concept wasn't foreign, caution before folly, that's one of the many things that the Hastings were famous for after all.

"Tons!" Mona squealed back, her fingernails biting into my arm on instinct as a flash of silk caught her eye. She steered me towards yet more rails and I smiled, content to let her. I barely noticed the items she held up excitedly. I was lost to my own favourite pastime, watching her face as it lit up. I scrutinised everything from the temporary highlights that the brash fluorescents granted her curls, to the extenuated curve of her calf in her heels. I listened to her laugh as I hummed appreciatively at each gentle sway of her hips and noted that my cheeks didn't even redden anymore after I'd been caught leering. She was mine; I didn't have to be subtle.

"I…" I did finally look away then choking on the words that I couldn't let myself rush to say. "You're adorable." I blurted out instead.

The other girl smirked. "Oh I know, and just think how much cuter I will look when I model this at school on Monday." I laughed, unable to respond with something wittily sarcastic before she disappeared, charging into the changing room for the umpteenth time and abandoning the pile of bags that she had already amassed without a second thought. I picked them up, carefully looping each handle over my wrists so that I wouldn't have to deal with a tangled mess, and trailed behind, bemused. My smirk evaporated as soon as I pulled the curtain back and saw her twirling in the skirt that she absolutely had to have.

"Wow." I murmured, unwilling to voice the full extent level of my approval too loudly. Even as my heart raced, I didn't want to admit that she was right. Fashion and the way we each interpreted it was a sore subject between us since she had first explored my closet. Nevertheless, Mona turned towards me with that same glint her eye that never failed to appear when my voice lowered and I didn't hesitate to lick my lips in response, a blatant signal that I was perfectly happy with where the moment was headed. "I think I like shopping…"

The smaller brunette practically collided with me as we shared the same thought in unison, and we both grinned. I was aware that without shoes, tiptoes were necessary for her and I was suddenly desperate that our lips met. I let the curls I had begun to sweep across the nape of her neck fall loose so that I could support her with both arms, not wanting the force of the embrace to cause her to fall. Her throat pulsed as if crying out in protest against the absence of my tongue, but I resisted, seeking out the warmth of her mouth regardless. I tasted her with even more hunger than I possessed the first time, surpassing myself, relentless and bruising. I didn't break away until my heaving chest forced me to.

Mona smiled mischievously once she had caught her breath. "Good, because I picked up a little something for you too."

I quirked my eyebrow, straddling a line between surprised and horrified as I realised what she was offering me. "It was all a bribe!" I exclaimed loudly, hoping that my joke would divert her attention away from the fact that I wasn't reaching for my present. Until I had judged how serious she was being, I couldn't have revealed that I thought it was hideous, but it truly was. In fact, I was dying to tell Mona that the dress she had picked out looked too much like a tutu for my comfort, resembling something a spoiled 5 year old might be forced to wear to a tea party. "You're kidding, right?" I eventually managed to splutter.

"Of course not, you simply have to try this on."

"No way!"

"Do I have to make you?"

I stuck out my tongue. "Like you could, you're practically a midget." I was rewarded with another variation of the pouty face, this time the angry sort, and I knew I couldn't win. I accepted defeat with an ungrateful shrug. "Alright, but if I'm playing dress up, then you are too." I didn't even give her the opportunity to argue before I fled back in the direction we had come, a girl on a mission. I returned a few moments later, clothes in hand; ready to erase the smug look on her face. "Here…" I threw the slouch fit denim and random grey t-shirt in her general direction.

She shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest stubbornly. I could have predicted the reaction, but not the laugh I had to stifle at her retort. "I don't do boyfriends or their jeans."

I minimised my hilarity so that it manifested as a grin, rather than an ill-timed fit of giggles. "And what, you think I love the thought of dressing like a psychotic ballerina?" In that instant, she didn't have a leg to stand on, I was right, and if she wanted me to play along, she would have to sacrifice her dignity too. "Plus, I think you'll find that I was a lot kinder." I continued as I finally grasped the dress.

It even felt awful, heavy and scratchy, and the first wave of discomfort hit. I gritted my teeth and unlaced my shoes with deliberate slowness, hoping that she would change first and get lost in destructing the horrors of her transformation, allowing me to wriggle out of the challenge.

Unfortunately, it didn't work, the same thought crossed the other girl's mind and she similarly dawdled. "This is such a bad idea."

"You only have yourself to blame." I reminded her, sliding into my monstrous taffeta and lace clad prison. I was still adamant that I had fared worse, but I eventually conceded, after the first of many glimpses that the anti-Mona was still hilarious. The clothes I had given her made the girl unrecognisable. With two garments, she'd swapped haute couture for the uniform of any standard wallflower. I had transformed the most stylised, fashion savvy girl I had ever met into a teenage lemming.

Clearly she agreed, reading my mind. "I feel like wallpaper…"

"Better than looking like your grandmother's toilet roll holder!" I grumbled. "Actually, I take that back, my grandma has better taste. This honestly would get rejected by Goodwill."

"On a more serious note, it tells me that you'd make one hot ballerina at the party next Friday."

"Don't even." I growled. "When I said that we needed to look for costume inspiration, that wasn't what I meant."

She skipped over and kissed the tip of my nose lightly. "I know, I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist." I immediately softened, unable to stay mad with her lips fluttering against my skin. It was hard to even think or exhale; much less bicker. The girl was standing so close that I melted, scooping her up again and swinging her around.

"I'm glad that you're you, even if that girl does have terrible taste in dresses." I whispered, giggling again.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that since it's patently untrue." She gestured to the outfit she had arrived in with a theatrical sweep of her arms before firmly resting her left hand on her hip and scowling as I bit my lip to try and stay serious. The dress in question was lying in wait on the floor, forgotten, and yet still managed to look stunning. I nodded, conceding that I had to chalk up another little loss to the superiority of Mona Vanderwaal. "Hey, I know that thing is beyond ugly, that was the whole point. I just wanted to see if you would actually wear it if I asked and you did, so I win." She sniggered, shrugging off the jeans. "Again."

"Whatever, I'm letting that comment go because we really do need to find something for the party, not because-" The rest of my sentence was cut short as a fist reached out to grasp the hideous skirt. She pulled me down to the ground, level to where she searching for a missing heel. I toppled fully into her lap sending us both crashing and unable to slow the descent, but rather than shift or complain as my weight crushed her, Mona grinned and pulled me closer, snatching the annoyance from my lips.

"So let's get it done, right now." She fired back, her face buried in my neck. My eyes widened as my dirty mind took over. However, I eventually decoded her innocuous statement and nodded, teasing her fingers out of my braid to link our fingers and pull her up.

Miserably, Shopping in the traditional sense quickly got tedious again. My craving for caffeine reached dangerous levels as my energy and patience dipped, but I had no desire to be one of those whiny, demanding girlfriends, so I dutifully pressed on through store after identical store. "Why don't we go as Laurel and Hardy?" I asked, aware and eager for the reaction such a request would elicit.

"If you're going to be ridiculous, we might as well just call it a day." I ran my teeth over the inside of my cheek to stop a triumphant smirk from bursting forth. Mona was already heading towards the exit, leaving me in no doubt that my plan had succeeded. It was almost too easy, but for once I didn't mind. I followed, confident that I could smooth over the tiny cracks in the other girl's afterwards. The important thing was that I was home free, my couch, and more importantly a good book, called. The problem with counting your chickens too soon is that the disappointment when you realise you were too hasty is unrivalled.

She stopped, retracing her steps and in a nanosecond I went from elation to defeat. My hopes of fleeing were dashed. I caught up to her and discovered the girl staring in an accessories display that we'd previously overlooked in wide-eyed wonder. "What are you doing?"

"Look at _that_!" I craned my neck to follow her pointing finger, a mocking retort being crafted in my brain even before my eyes focused. Once they had though, I immediately stalled the rest of that thought process.

"It's beautiful." I whispered, quickly getting as carried away as she had without a single regret.

"You have to have this." She wasn't wrong. It was the most stunningly crafted thing I had ever seen and in my imagination I had already filled it with books and stashed pens into the corners. I could barely hear Mona, I wasn't there. I was strolling in the dingy fluorescents of Rosewood High with the bag swinging on my shoulder. By the time I had snapped myself back to present and realised that I was openly salivating in Rosewood Mall, the girl and the satchel had gone.

The brunette was at the cash register ringing up the sale. "What are you doing?" I repeated.

"Getting you a gift." She remarked matter-of-factly, aiming a megawatt smile at the cashier as they wrapped her purchase, my gift, in delicate lilac coloured tissue paper.

"You can't….it's too expensive and…." Even as I spoke, it was being placed from Mona's hands into mine.

"No refunds." The girl behind the counter snapped back anxiously.

I turned back to my girlfriend, ignoring her. "I….you shouldn't have, but thank you."

She didn't miss a beat, throwing her arms around me. "You deserve it. I know we don't really talk about it, but you've been my rock lately and I…" She faltered and I watched her reconsider the words she chose silently. "I can't even begin to pay you back in kind, so please, just let me do this for you, because…" I felt her heart race against mine. "Because I love you."

I disentangled myself from her hurriedly so that I could stare squarely into those brown eyes. My answer fell from my lips effortlessly despite never having said the words before. "I love you too." The declarations hung there as we appraised each other, overwhelmed. Teardrops rolled lazily and I swooped in to kiss them away. "I really, really do."

"Good, because it's too late to back out now, remember?" I opened my mouth to contest that I was more than content to be all in, impatient to voice something along the lines of her being the sexiest ball and chain that I had ever willingly been stuck with, when she spoke again. "Oh and Spencer, if you think this gets you off the hook for that Laurel and Hardy comment, you're sorely mistaken."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Here's the penultimate chapter which makes me kind of sad since I've grown to love the dynamics of this ship, hence why I couldn't resist adding yet more fluff I suppose. This chapter is mostly just a lead into the final, where hopefully everything will be wrapped up in a neat little bow lol, however I couldn't resist adding some of my own personal awesomeness into the mix. I thought it would be funny if Spencer's costume was at totally odds with her outfit in the PLL Halloween episode (I won't spoiler you if you don't know) and thus, one of my guilty pleasures became hers.**

"Did I interrupt something?" It wasn't unusual for Spencer to head straight for the off switch whenever her mom or Melissa let me in and I strolled into her room unannounced. I barely paid any attention in fact, assuming that she was sparing me the delights of the latest news broadcast or whichever obscure documentary had captured her interest. She knew I'd find her choices tedious, and I was likewise aware that she'd be unable to focus with me yawning at her shoulder. Neither of us kidded ourselves about our differences, it was why we worked. Opposites attract had never been more applicable. However, this time, before I had even flopped down on the bed, I sensed that things were different. For a start, she had invited me over to discuss the costume stalemate, and therefore it was ridiculous that my arrival, being anticipated, should make her this jumpy. Secondly, considering the absence of coffee cups to account for her agitation, I had to wonder what else could have the girl on edge.

"No." I wasn't fooled. "I just…I was just…" The more words she stumbled over, the greater the hole she dug. I watched her, bemused, until my curiosity finally overwhelmed me and I reached for the remote control. As the TV roared back to life, my grin widened. It was safe to say that this had never happened before, Spencer 'high-brow' Hastings had been caught red handed. The screen revealed what she had really been watching, a guilty pleasure in all its glory and I couldn't hold back the burst of surprised laughter. My girlfriend glared, her face flooding in crimson, but it didn't halt the giggles, if anything my hilarity was intensified by her flustered dismay. It was a rare sight to cherish.

"Oh honey." I murmured, pulling her into a hug. "You're so not who I thought you were." I could almost hear her internal gears churning, so to stop the fretfulness in its tracks, I spoke up again. "It's good though, seeing you watch brainless fluff in your downtime humanises you. Don't get me wrong, you know I love you but nobody can be _that _intense all the time." I should have realised that my words would spark a debate.

"Have you even seen this movie, it's a brilliant satire and more importantly it epitomises the levels of self-sacrifice necessary for high-achieving young girls today."

I grinned. "Makes sense. I can see why you love it; it must speak to your soul." She ignored my sarcasm. "Though if I remember rightly these high-achieving girls, whether or not they are challenging a patriarchal stereotype or however you want to rationalise it, are also running around in tiny little skirts with big guns, and falling in love with criminals that have hearts of gold, so I repeat-"

She didn't let me finish, shaking her head vehemently. "Come on! It aces the Blechdel Test." I turned my head back to the screen. I wasn't about to tell her that didn't have a problem with _D.E.B.S,_ and that I had the DVD on my shelf at home. Honestly I was thrilled that we had something in common even if for very different reasons. I actually suspected, the more I pondered it that deep down, the other girl was in it for the romance as much as I was. She could hide behind excuses, but in turn I could've argued that if she'd believed them wholeheartedly she wouldn't have switched off the TV. I didn't though; I let Spencer enjoy her win. It was obvious that she thought her logic had beaten me, and I was content to let her, enjoying the silence. Mostly, I watched her face once her eyes flickered back to the screen. She was captivated, and I could never deny her that or cease to smile as it unfolded. "I could totally get recruited, don't you think?"

I thought she had forgotten me. "I would certainly approve of your uniform." I retorted quickly. It was an autopilot response and it was only afterwards that my cheeks grew hot. I wasn't sure if I'd ever get used to flirting confidently. I glanced back at the other girl, expecting to see a similar colour pallet reflected. Instead, I was greeted by the sight of those dark eyes getting closer as she leant into me. Her breath tickled my ear making a small smile rise up to meet her expectant lips. I didn't want her to see that she was capable of altering my moods, everything about me, so effortlessly and so I dived in. The girl tasted like toffee popcorn, a fact which made my lips curve once more as they brushed against hers. It also gave me an idea which I knew I couldn't fully ponder whilst I was so distracted by how easily in our current positions, I could have the girl flat on her back. I broke away knowing that she wouldn't sulk too badly whilst the movie still played, propping myself up on the mountain of pillows. It didn't take much musing for an abstract notion to turn into a concrete thought and I turned to the other girl eager to share all. However, as predicted, all her attentions were occupied yet again. "Just how many times have you seen this?"

She shrugged, firing back a non-committal retort. "Once or twice." I wasn't tricked by her display of indifference, having clearly watched her mouthing the words to the scene, and knowing she'd been caught, Spencer abandoned the charade. "Hey, do you think I could get the perfect score?"

I laughed. "Would you want to? It means you possess the ability to lie, cheat and kill flawlessly…" Spencer's face implied that my question was ridiculous, her eyes admonishing me for even daring to ask it. I waited until she took a breath. "Well, based on that flimsy lie you told just now about only having watched this film once, then no, I don't think so." I expected some more sulking, but what I actually got aimed at me was a shower of left over popcorn. I didn't say a word, ignoring the pieces stubbornly clinging to my hair, intently deciding on an appropriate retaliation tactic.

Happily, I knew how to solve this, thanks to the universe giving me an irritating little brother, and worked fast. It was unexpectedly simple to pin the other girl to the bed, the element of surprise acting in my favour to negate her height and strength advantage temporarily. I was so thrilled that I'd gotten my own back and focused solely on prolonging her torture that I had tunnel vision to anything else. I didn't realise that my body was steadily sliding downwards until I was no longer sitting across her waist, but low on her hips, awareness dawned for Spencer first, and as her shrieks of laughter changed into a breathy gasp, the reality hit me. At once, I began scrambling away to allow her to get free, feeling that I had crossed a line that we weren't ready for. "I'm sorry, we agreed, I know, I didn't mean to…"

"Stay, it's okay." She countered quickly, reaching out to grab my wrist so that I couldn't race away. The hold was loose and easily escapable, but I stayed rooted in place as though it was iron. I felt like my lungs rather than hers had been the ones robbed of oxygen. My mind screamed I should fill the heavy air, and use any pointless words I had, because the silence was killing us and Spencer was waiting, but I suddenly couldn't remember the idea that had previously consumed all that space inside my head. It occurred to me that maybe this was what people meant when they described an out of body experience. I'd never been so conscious of my body before, hyperaware of every movement and yet unable to do anything. Fortunately, my girlfriend wasn't floundering so utterly. I'd never been more grateful for anything than I was for the gentle hip roll that flipped us and put her firmly in control. "Just breathe." She commanded gently and I happily followed the order.

"I've changed my mind." I whispered finally as the minutes stretched out. The other girl immediately stopped her frenzied assault on my neck and looked up, a mixture of anxiety and confusion blurring her grin. "You would be an awesome femme-fatale." She blinked a few times before understanding and therefore, in chorus, amusement took over.

Her chest still heaving, she raised her eyebrow, looking me square in the eye. "Are you calling me a slut?" She tried to act offended but her voice was teasingly husky and her eyes sparkled mischievously, so I saw through it to the obvious flirtation beneath.

All the same, I shook my head theatrically playing along. "No, I just think you're sexy as hell. I make no secret of that, so much so, if you kissed me again right now, I might have to take a cold shower."

"Oh well, we can't have that can we? I'm certain that the sight of you in a towel, or better yet, my robe, brings us back full circle."

My stomach clenched. I was sure I had already been on the receiving end of every single one of her gazes, but the stare that she shot me was positively smouldering. I turned away, but suddenly it was like the TV didn't even exist, not even white noise. "Uhhh…which in a roundabout way, brings me back to the reason I came over in the first place." I felt her smirk burning unseen into my back but I continued my eager attempt to change the topic of conversation. "You've given me a costume idea."

"And here's me thinking that the party was the last thing on your mind?" I hastily explained, suddenly needing the leer she'd permanently adopted to transform into a genuine smile. I knew what to do with those expressions and as it was; her face was doing things to me, making the room cloud over for a second time and the line we'd set seem easier and easier to cross. Although my self control was evaporating by the second, I knew that it was up to me to steer us onto safer ground because Spencer seemed to possess even less than I had, if any at all. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was off with her, and whilst I detested comparing her to Hanna in any way, I had seen similar tactics employed by the blonde. She was trying to lose herself in us, in shameless distractions, and turn her brain off so that she didn't have to deal with whatever was wrong. My girlfriend liked to talk, so that meant it was bad, going beyond petty issues such as the party plans that she had tried to hide behind, masquerading her anxiety as competitiveness. I bit my tongue, unsure how to broach the subject. As I pondered, Spencer beat me to the punch, deflecting her genuine concerns with surface dilemmas. "But if we dress like D.E.B.S everybody will just think that we're adhering to the slutty school girl stereotype."

This was a side of the brunette that I was well equipped to deal with. I shrugged, faking disinterest. I knew how to appease her. "Like you're worried, you know that you'll take great delight in educating them, at length, about the real origins of our costumes. Besides, if that plan fails, you can just show them your gun." The laughter that accompanied the gentle tilt of her head was so childlike, mischievous and gleeful all at once, making me fall in love with the girl behind the sound all over again. The next part was trickier; I wanted her to feel like opening up was her idea. "I'm glad you're on board, I hate seeing you so stressed out, and even by your usual standards you've been wound extra tight since the invites were sent out."

"Just so you know; I got you here under false pretences." It was softly spoken, as tentative as the shallow breath I took, waiting.

My hand fell to her knee and it cheered me when she placed her own palm over it. It was the simplest way to assure her that we were in this together. My subsequent smile was more organic as a result. "I know that Spence, as your girlfriend, I could never be naïve enough to believe that your shredded nail beds were caused by me outing you as a secret Rom-Com fan. So, I'm listening, tell me what's wrong."

"Okay, so it was a little about the costumes, but mostly, I got you to come over because I don't know what to do about the fact that my mom knows."

My eyes widened. It was hard to get my head around what she had just said, especially since Mrs Hastings hadn't reacted in any way when she let me in. Additionally, if the other girl had planned this, it struck me as odd that she wouldn't have shared her intentions or warned me before I arrived at her door. "You told her about us?"

"She heard me on the phone to you the other night and put 2 + 2 together to correctly surmise that I'm dating someone, as yet identity unknown, but it's only a matter of time before she asks me who it is and I..." I had never seen her look so distressed, her voice cracking as it trailed off and so, even though I was desperate for the rest of that sentence, I gave her an escape route unthinkingly. In that instant, as I stared into those deep chocolate eyes, nothing seemed more important than going to her rescue. "It's okay if you aren't ready to tell your parents, I know you love me and I'm not just your dirty little secret. We're fine, I mean that, however long this takes, you won't be feeling any pressure from this end." I could feel the beats her heart skipped in my own chest and as hers restarted, my pulse stirred alongside.

"It's not that I don't want to tell her, I do. I hate lying. I actually tried to talk to her right after it happened, but then my dad chose that moment to come home and I don't know, I just panicked. Looking back though, I wish I had told her then because it's impossible to have any kind of meaningful conversation when she's working all the time. What am I supposed to say? 'Oh hi mom, how was your day? Anyway, you know my friend Mona, we've been dating for a while and I love her,what's for dinner?' I don't think so."

I smiled, giving her knee a squeeze. "I understand. You need to pick your moment because you only get one and if you want her to take this seriously you can't rush it."

"How did you do it, your parents work a lot too, right?"

"It sounds stupid, but I didn't really have to do anything, or have _the _conversation, really. They just knew." I didn't spare any details as I recounted the day that my dad came into my room to find me weeping over Hanna for the thousandth time. I thought I'd locked the door, but apparently I hadn't quite gotten into the habit yet or was too upset to care about the logistics of privacy. Regardless, he didn't hesitate to comfort me making the switch from skinned knees and pulled hair on the playground to navigating his only daughter's first broken heart effortlessly. "I immediately asked him how he'd figured it out and he replied that he knew from the first time that I brought Hanna home, he could see it as soon as I looked at her." Spencer smiled wistfully. "Rumour has it that I haven't gotten any better at subtlety either because he knew about you before I even had a chance to open my mouth."

She chuckled, it wasn't much but nevertheless, it felt like a good start. "What about your mom?"

"She was as clued in as dad supposedly. In fact she's been on at me for ages about introducing you properly, she doesn't get why I'm reluctant." I disregarded my girlfriend's pursed lips. "Don't get me wrong, I love my parents but they can be very full on, and I didn't want to scare you off."

"You just don't want to share me, that's all." I could hear the happy trace of smugness in her voice that I should have probably quashed before her head got any bigger, but she was right. I wasn't going to apologise for keeping Spencer Hastings all to myself, not ever.

"You're not wrong." I brushed her hair away from her face so that I was certain she could read my every gesture and facial expression. I needed her to trust my words carefully. The sentiments were clichéd but I was in no doubt that she'd benefit from hearing them and I figured that they were selected often for good reason. "It's going to be okay, you know."

Even if my girlfriend only happened to remain worry-free momentarily, I lived for those glimpses of a relaxed Spencer Hastings that I managed to untangle from the highly strung girl that everybody else saw. "How are you so perfect?"

My response wasn't considered, it just fell from my lips in the same moment as they curved into another blissful line. I was never far from a grin around the other girl. "I could ask you the same question."


	11. Chapter 11

**I just want to take a moment to thank everyone who has come along for the ride with me, especially those of you who have taken the time to consistently write me some lovely words back. I had no idea when I started this story that I'd grow so attached to this pairing and it's nice to know that I'm not alone in loving and shipping Spona as I affectionately dub them. In fact, I think my depth of feeling is why I found this chapter so tricky. In my head, I wanted desperately to happily tie up all the loose ends and I constantly had to remind myself why I was leaving a loose thread, because my heart wants so much to pick it up again later, and dive back into this universe sometime. Although the end felt right, I had to give myself that option because I adore the dynamics and therefore the possibility of a revisit in the future felt too good to pass up. **

**Let me know you thoughts, whether it's just to say that you hate my ambiguous end or to add that you're on board for any potential sequels or oneshots.**

"We're going to be late!" It was the same irritated statement that had been echoing around the bedroom for the past hour. I was tempted to inform my girlfriend that the party didn't start until I walked in, but it seemed pointless. Spencer wouldn't get the reference and it would likely only make her more annoyed, as sexy as it was when she pouted, it wasn't conducive to the party atmosphere. I didn't look up from my phone screen, knowing without a single doubt that we had plenty of time. Instead, there was silence punctuated by the occasional tapping of keys. "Mona!"

My head snapped upwards eventually, bemused that she'd finally changed the record, even if it was just something as simple as an attempt to use my name against me. I did however manage to kill my smirk. "Just a sec, that bitch Cassie Beckford just tweeted that-" My inane banter died mid sentence as my eyes connected with the figure hunched over the mirror. I was presented with her back, the sight leaving me panting all the same. I could've counted every vertebra that the white shirt dutifully presented to me, but I was stalled by an unmistakably lacy outline. As flushed as I was, I didn't hesitate to scoot across the bed to seek out the full glory of the other girl's reflection. Unfortunately, the poor lightning was a worse taunt than the glimpses of a bra that wasn't permitted to remove; I couldn't stand the shadows that lingered, obscuring my view. "Turn around." I was aiming for a tone that sounded commanding, yet in my haste it came out resembling a breathless plea. It was enough to get Spencer to twist around begrudgingly though, the act instantly costing me what remained of my composure. The combination of the outfit and unabashedly haughty attitude was hands down the sexiest thing I had ever seen, and I couldn't stop every fibre of my being from broadcasting exactly how I felt. My respiratory system couldn't force enough air into my lungs, leaving the whole room spinning as I sat there, drunk on adoration.

My girlfriend's demeanour switched at once and whatever irritated remark she was about to make didn't leave her throat. "You approve then?" Words were inadequate but I couldn't find the strength to cross the room and express myself in a way that was more befitting. All my energy was zapped by one sultry grin and even my eyes, usually unwavering, couldn't settle on one spot. I was torn between my love of her gently swinging hips and the allure of that creamy expanse of midriff which her costume didn't quite cover. In the moment, anything other than trying to focus my stare became a luxury that my body couldn't afford, all my attention funnelled into savouring this vision before me. "On a scale of 1-10, just how much do you like it?" she purred, stopping my heart despite a conviction I held that it couldn't possibly have still have been beating in the first place. Fire trickled down to my belly as I rose to meet her on shaking knees and legs of lead, attacking her lips with a vigour that belied both handicaps.

"You…I…" Sentences were an extravagance as well it seemed. I watched mutely as Spencer erased all traces of my presence with a flick of her tongue.

"That's what I thought. Now do you see why I can't wait to get you into your costume?"

I nodded, swallowing hard. "I'll get dressed." I panted the syllables so that they hardly bore any resemblance to the words that I had meant to express. Anything else was futile; I was utterly, unashamedly and helplessly undone.

"Good girl."

I took another unsteady breath, needing to be more coherent with the delivery of my next lines. "But…ummm…There's just the matter of one other little thing first, you don't mind do you?" The girl's forehead scrunched but before she could protest I pulled her down, satisfied that as our tangled limbs hit the mattress, she wouldn't have a single thing to complain about.

Nevertheless, it didn't take my girlfriend long to find my ear anyway, but it wasn't for the reason that I was expecting. "I know I said that I wasn't ready, but all of a sudden, I'm wondering what the hell I was thinking, I never wanted anyone, _anything_ more than I do right now…" No whisper had ever been more crystal clear.

"You don't have to tell me, this skirt-" I curled my fingers around the insubstantial fabric for emphasis, sending my pulse sky rocketing as I exposed yet more thigh. "I think, damn, I know, it'll be the death of me."

"So take it off." The way I said her name in response was distinctive, capable of meaning only one thing. I had no way of masking my intent as it burst out. I didn't blush, not this time. "I mean it, I'm sure." Spencer murmured, scorching my earlobe with her insistence. Weirdly though, it was her franticness that broke the spell rather than spurred me on.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but no." I didn't shy away from her crestfallen gaze. "You have no idea how much I'd…but your strong moral code is one of the things I love about you. It might sound stupid coming from a former shoplifter, but I have no desire to compromise your principles. I don't want to take your virginity just because you make me spectacularly horny and we can't control ourselves. I want it to be romantic, give me an opportunity to wine you and dine you first. " I tore my eyes away to find the dial of her wall clock. "Besides that, I definitely want to be able to take my time with you."

I steeled myself for the worst, raised voices, tears, imagining that I would be thrown out into the hallway if not the street. My face was a tight mask, my jaw clenched as I waited for whatever consequences I faced for refusing the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, much less had my hands on. I could still feel the warmth of her under my skin. Suddenly I could taste salt, from either panic or my predicted future misery, I couldn't discern. Breathing suddenly became another necessity for my body to reject as I awaited a response. Until, against all the odds that my imagination had conjured, the other girl smiled. "I cannot believe I'm actually grateful to you for refusing to have sex with me, but I am. You're right. All of those romantic clichés, the soft glow of candlelight, mood music, most of all, an uninterrupted night at the cabin; I really do want that, just like we planned. I don't know what I was thinking."

I pressed a chaste kiss to the girl's forehead. The disparity was comical, but nothing felt better. "After a few minutes, you weren't. Face it, Spencer, you're a slave to your hormones, the same as any other teenage girl and whilst I'm flattered that you find me irresistible-"

She cut me off by throwing a pillow shaped missile. "Just because you were right, doesn't mean that I'll let your ego rage unchecked all night long. I was about to formulate a counter strike when her phone blared from whichever surface she had abandoned it on, reminding us both of the ticking clock again.

"I told you we were going to be late." The brunette retorted smugly as the receiver found her ear. It was Emily, and we were genuinely behind schedule.

"Maybe, but it's totally your fault if we are." I mumbled as I dressed quickly, acknowledging that like it not, the party beckoned.

Despite the fact that I'd never admit this to my girlfriend, except perhaps under penalty of death, I was actually glad that we arrived when the festivities had already begun. Everybody had previously assumed that my penchant for being fashionably late stemmed from the need to make a dramatic entrance and I'd always played up that rumour in my old life, but the truth was, my real motivations actually resided on the opposite end of the spectrum. I liked to scan the room, to observe the mass of people behaving naturally, in the carefree moments before they noticed me. It wasn't about the fashion, or in this case the costumes, not really, people were just always more fascinating to me with their guards down. It was easier to get a grasp of someone when all their bullshit was stripped away, masks off as it were. "Let's dance." I murmured, exhilarated. I pulled the other girl deep into the teeming masses, we were surrounded on all sides and that was how I liked it, total infiltration. I was actually concerned that I might get whiplash from all my spying, until the other girl started moving. Suddenly, my gaze was fixed.

There was just one problem, and I got clued into it too fast for escapism to take hold. Although her swaying body was hypnotising, I was attuned to her to know that her heart wasn't in it. Regardless of the unavoidable reality, it still hurt my heart to call time on the charade after just one song, even going through the motions, Spencer Hastings was enthralling, but I couldn't let it continue. I had to know. I put my hand on her arm, shaking my head no, giving her the unspoken signal to stop. The touch was like an electric shock that zapped both of us. I felt every sinew jumping against my palm, tense was the understatement of the century. It was difficult to avoid clichés or to word the question in a way that she couldn't evade by flatly answering that she was perfectly fine. "What's the matter?" I asked gently.

"Nothing." I couldn't have misheard it. Her face may have been turned away, but her eyes were scrunched at the corners and all the skin was pulled taunt across the forehead as though she was losing her fight against warding off a migraine. Everything stopped as I drew her closer. It didn't matter that we'd barely stepped through the door or that my eyeballs had been gleefully sweeping the room at a million miles a nanosecond prior to this. I didn't hesitate to lead her outside, unconvinced that she could understand me, and needing her to. As we fled, I spied blonde curls and increased my speed. Once we'd successfully navigated the hoards of people blocking my escape route, I was determined to end the emotional gulf that had materialised out of nowhere.

"Look, I saw her in there too; you don't have to worry about Hanna. To me nobody exists in that room except for you." Admittedly, I may have been oversimplifying things, the situation wasn't exactly tidied away in a neat little box, but I'd done the best I could. Spencer had no cause for concern. She had to believe that. "Forget the costume, even if you are t_otally_ owning the hell out of it, you could be wearing a garbage bag and you'd still be the most gorgeous girl in there." There was no loud bass or insanely expensive sound system to excuse the silent treatment I was currently receiving. "If you don't want to be here, just tell me!" My voice raised several decibels higher than needed and I immediately hated myself for the lack of control. Spencer shook like a startled rabbit. "Say something, anything, what did I do?"

"It was me." I swept her bangs from her face, searching her eyes for something to ease my confusion. "I couldn't do it. The ideal opportunity presented itself and I still couldn't tell her."

The last few pieces came together. I wondered how I hadn't realised that yet again, Veronica Hastings was the elephant in the room. "Sweetie, it's okay, you don't have to think about any of this tonight. Just put it out of your mind, there's no rush, remember?" I moved forward to console her but she stepped away. We shivered in unison.

"I can't think about anything else, it's so wrong. You've got me on this pedestal, immortalised as the perfect girlfriend, when I can't even say the words. I'm nothing but a coward!"

I shook my head frantically. "Oh Spence, don't you see, you're allowed to be scared." She echoed my gesture with equal fervour, so I quickly rephrased my terms. "You're a Hastings, right? Why not consider it like this, by waiting, you thinking you're losing, but actually, it's how you win, by biding your time and picking the perfect moment, when you've found the courage, and not a second before." It was obvious that I had gotten through. I watched the brunette gather her thoughts, chewing her bottom lip. The fear was so blatant that it was almost impossible to hold my tongue.

"Let's say, that hypothetically, I found the right moment, would you be there with me?" The display of vulnerability made me choke, and I fought to get the words out, conscious that I couldn't afford to delay for a second in case it was misread.

I grinned. "Of course I would, you don't even have to ask."

"Good." Her arm twisted around my waist, steady again. "Thank you." I decided that it wasn't the time to tell her that such words of gratitude were on the banned list. It occurred to me that those ground rules she laid down in those first days might have lapsed now. I hoped so.

I never asked, Spencer started walking, so I voiced another question instead. "Where are we going?" I was already predicting that the girl would say that she was taking me home, the night over before it began. I couldn't blame her for that, and I wouldn't dream of getting annoyed. Mrs Hastings on the other hand, was far from exempt. I dreaded crossing her path because I knew that the woman would be subject to a glare or two minimum for upsetting my girlfriend like she had, unintentional or not.

"We're going to dance properly. I can't have you thinking that those are my best moves."

I sniggered. "It isn't a contest, Spence." The other girl simply winked playfully, her eyes sparkling with the challenge I hadn't meant to convey.

Sometime later, once all the songs had started to blur together, and I was preoccupied by trying to keep the beads of sweat out of my eyes, the universe pointed out Hanna Marin for a second time. I'd been busy being schooled, dancing with Spencer was an Olympic sport, and I nearly missed the cue. Our eyes finally connected, reaching out across the vast space. The blonde had a boy glued to her skin. I didn't find it jarring, on the contrary, since the golden hair discounted Lucas, relief washed over me. His identity was a mystery, but I worked out somehow as the scene unfolded that he was different to the others Hanna had toyed with. It wasn't just the proximity or the synchronisation of their movements that reassured me it went beyond a cruel game, the air sparked around the couple. I marvelled, deep in thought as to whether that was how Spencer and I were presented with our bodies weaving before her, assuming that we must. The smile I gave the girl was authentic. I'd only glimpsed a tiny snapshot of her life, but it felt like progress and although I shouldn't care, I was strangely proud. It was a rare instance that I didn't mind her reading my face. She nodded, adding either a wave or tiny salute before she was hidden from view, blocked by a change in tempo. Still beaming, I swept my girlfriend into my arms, dipping her as expertly as I could, against the grain of the beat.

"This isn't a gay panic thing, not entirely, it's an, I'm a Hastings' thing." It was late, and I was relying on the moonlight, and my marginal levels of sobriety to guide us home. Spencer was completely and utterly trashed, a slave to the truth serum that had flooded her veins. I did nothing to discourage her ramblings, glad of the truths she had circumvented for so long. "I'm sure that if my father had his way I wouldn't date until I was at least 35 and I've resigned myself to the fact that they are going to actively dislike anyone I bring home…I just…it sounds pathetic, I want them to like you. My hope is to have the sort of get-togethers that my parents had with Melissa and her endless precession of boyfriends, you know, the awkward dinners that everyone pretends to hate but secretly love. Regardless of what they say, nobody can deny that it's the most amazing thing when your parents' laugh at your other half's jokes or invite them to play tennis at the country club. In my world, there is no greater acceptance."

I was tempted to reply that there was only one world, but that felt like a lie. The dying embers of that cold night were built for comforting truths. "It's not pathetic at all, it's adorable." Spencer slurred incomprehensibly, a statement that could have been a denial or a humble agreement. With no way of detecting which way she had leaned, I pressed on. "Anyway, what makes you think that you can't have all of that and more? Don't underestimate me."

Drunk as she was, the girl couldn't control her features and her expression twisted into a scowl that was so intense that I only narrowly steered clear of laughing. "You haven't met them yet, but you'll see….Let's just say, if that's the goal, we've both got our work cut out."

"Oi, I'll have you know that I'm both charming and an extremely gracious houseguest, adults adore me!"

"Somebody has to." She replied mockingly. Her wit apparently undiminished by the hard liquor that was blissfully hacking away at her other motor functions.

I punched her on the arm, moderating the violence so that she wouldn't fall. I had reservations as to whether her numbed skin felt it, but didn't dare to press any harder. Supporting her was bearable, but I couldn't guarantee that my clear-headedness extended to the task of picking her up. "You do realise that everything you've just said has only made me more determined to see the evening through and make a good impression."

"Are you sure? It's not too late to back out." Spencer exclaimed in her loudest voice, evidently shocked. To make her point go further, the other girl began humming ominously as we approached her driveway.

"You're lucky I love you so much." I retorted smirking. My girlfriend continued to provide the soundtrack as I, meanwhile, did the useful thing and fumbled with her keys.

"I know I am." She whispered as the door finally opened.


End file.
